Tag: Meds

Tis Bittersweet, This First day of Retirement

Tis Bittersweet, This First day of Retirement

Hmmm, what to write.  Whether ’tis nobler…..wait, that line’s been taken.

I’ve been pondering much of my day what to post or if to post, this day being the first day of the rest of my life so to speak.  It’s the first official day of my retirement, early retirement if it matters.  I tried to come up with something profound to write, something with some teeth in it, but alas it was not to be.  So I just wrote this.

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The Call Has Been Made, All in Favor?

The Call Has Been Made, All in Favor?

I’ve made the call, the decreased dosage of my meds will begin.  I will drop down to taking one 15 mg pill a day, against the better judgement of my wife.

This is not a decision I’m making without any consideration of the potential outcome.  I know full well the possible negative side effects, however I am going to do it in consultation with my Doctor (may be after the fact that’s all).

From what I’ve read there have been some real horror stories of withdrawal, ranging from increased anxiety to nausea and sleep issues.  Sleep problems were one of the reasons this medication was chosen for me to begin with, in addition to the depression of  course.  I feel much better now though and sleep like a log.

We’ll see how it goes, I’ll try to keep you posted.

Depression. Mine is……well, Depressed – pt.2

Depression. Mine is……well, Depressed – pt.2

In my previous post I was giving a bit of an update on how I see things have gone for me lately, how I’m feeling better and generally less angry and frustrated.  I think I’m coming out of this tunnel called Depression. I believe I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not an oncoming train (I hope).

I discussed some of my symptoms, the treatments and path I took to deal with it, the meds and my visits with a counselor.  I left off with the discussion about if the death of my sons had any role in my depression.

More to the saga – read here

Depression. Mine is……well, Depressed – pt.1

Depression. Mine is……well, Depressed – pt.1

I’ve been feeling pretty good lately, not at all angry and as unhappy as I was before.  My depression, if that what it is, seems to have diminished or become depressed itself.  I was never 100% sure it was depression but as I understand there is a broad spectrum of symptoms and I had a number of them.  In some ways it’s hard to remember really what it was like during the bad times but I think some mental health issues are like that, in that when you start feeling good you forget a bit about what feeling bad was like.  I have a sense I didn’t like it much.  Being as I’m in a good space now I thought I could update things a bit.  Have a seat with me and let’s roll.

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Ennui, Now there’s a Word

Ennui, Now there’s a Word

I just “re” learned a word, “ennui”, meaning (from the Free Dictionary) “a listlessness and dissatisfaction, resulting from lack of interest; boredom”.  That pretty much sums up my state of affairs, I’m ennuied.

photo from http://workplacepsychology.net
photo from http://workplacepsychology.net

Nothing much has changed here since my last post (yesterday), there has been no discussion nor questions by my Manager as to what I’m doing or when I’m doing it.  I’m operating in a vacuum on that side.  I told myself that I would try to maintain an ongoing diary of my last days so this is my purpose in posting this drivel, Some day I’ll be able to look back and gain a understanding of my past life.  I don’t know if this can help anyone else but who knows.

I have actually considered making another appointment with my counselor, I haven’t seen her for quite a while and there have been a few changes in my life, most notably a grandson and imminent retirement.  Neither of these were at hand when we last met and I think she’d be interested.  I’ve also changed the dosage on my meds (self adjusted as it were) and that may be of interest to her as well.  She was the one who suggested I write, not a blog mind you but in a paper journal.  So here I am.  I’m also thinking retirement may help me keep my mood on track and my hope is to get off drugs all together.  The whole mood thing has me a bit baffled and is it just my sunny (or otherwise) disposition or some other chemi/psycho issue.  Mostly I just think I’m weird but the verdict could be out on that.

My writing was initially a means to an end, a way to track my progress and if I developed any readership then my postings may mean something to them.  We all want to help others, right?  So I’ve blogged, sometimes faithfully and sometimes periodically, and found I’ve enjoyed it.  It’s helped me avoid some boredom, I’m less indifferent, it’s given me a bit of a purpose different than family and outside of household repairs.  Soon I can focus solely on all these things.  I’ll be de-Ennuied.

I dunno, Beer might help

I dunno, Beer might help

Here I sit again, biding my time in the bar. I’m starting to feel like a regular in these parts. I often wonder if I have I have a problem but I suspect if I have enough inquisitiveness about it then likely I don’t. And that being said I’m really not that worried.

My days have been going pretty well lately with my moods improving and that general sense of malaise diminishing. I really did think there at one one point, and still question, whether there is such an occurrence as getting a bad batch of meds. Somehow I doubt it, and I understand that an occasional regression is normal, but I felt truly shitty there for a while. Not physically but emotionally, and the depressed feeling was, well, depressing. A disturbing state of affairs.

I feel better now, and some days are better than others.  Retirement is around the corner and depending on circumstances I could leave by the end of April.  Boy, that’s coming fast.  With that move come a whole host of other emotions, many I’ve yet to catalogue and most I’d prefer not to have.  I’m scared, terrified in some respects, and I’ve gotten this (sometimes) overwhelming sense of dread, like I’m about to die.  Scares the shit outta me at times and fills me with trepidation.  On the other hand I have a sense of relief, a feeling of freedom about to be borne, a new chapter in my life.  I’m anxious for it to begin, nervous for it to start.  Plain and simple I’m all mixed up.  I just don’t know.

A Fire in the Hole

A Fire in the Hole

I wish I could say I’m back with a vengeance and there’s a Fire in the Hole but that would only be wishful thinking. It’s been nigh on one month since I’ve shared anything with you and and while the holidays can take a portion of the blame it’s really only my own apathy and a general personal malaise that are responsible.  There is a pent up desire though and look out if and when it explodes.

My meds have been boosted and I had high hopes, dreams that I would once again be whole and ready to do my blogging best to spill my guts. It just never happened.  If it’s the depression I’m not sure, but I don’t feel appreciably better and my passion for the blog has waned.  It is sad that I’m saying this, and I know in my gut and in my head that while it may be true, it truely isn’t, if that makes any sense.  It’s true that right now I don’t have the passion to blog but It’s also true I want the passion to do just that.  I think/hope I can get it back, I believe I have the knack for this and I’ll do my utmost to get back my fire.

On a positive note I have been maintaining my personal journal, all hand written, and my proverbial guts are spilled there, but you haven’t the opportunity to read that now do you?  Maybe it’s for the better as it is mostly a routine bitch fest and not really the least bit entertaining I don’t think.  Here at least I have the opportunity to provide some entertainment (hopefully) and even something thought provoking, maybe stimulating.

So I’ll work on getting this fuse lit.  I hope the powder’s dry and the winds of malaise don’t overpower me.  If I can keep it going we’ll see some action, if not……..stay tuned.

Dad's Day is Here Again

Dad's Day is Here Again

Today is a “Dad” day, where I will pick him up and we will do something.  In this case it’s his Eye Specialist appointment, and we’ve only been waiting for a couple months.  I shouldn’t make it sound like a negative thing, I guess here in BC waiting for specialists of any kind is commonplace and to expect otherwise would be hopeful.  I had to rattle the optometrists cage a bit in order to get the referral, they said the appropriate documentation was sent from their end but it seemed an inordinate amount before I could get a confirmation from the specialist.  At any rate it is done now and we will get his eyes checked this afternoon.

Afterwards we will meet with my wife and we’ll do the dinner thing.  It’s been a while since she’s seen Dad, she’s just busy with other things when my other Dad visits come around.  We both want to try and maximize our visits with him, hard to say how much longer we’ll have him.

I’m curious as to which direction the specialist will go with Dad, being as he’s 81.  One position could be to say “hey, he’s 81 and had a good life, why do anything”, but a more humane or human direction would be to say “hey, he’s 81 and had a good life, let’s fix him up and make the last years better”.  Stay tuned for the answer in the next episode.

I’ve been feeling a bit better now my medication dosage has been bumped up.  Still not up to where I was a couple months ago, from a feelins’ and emotions point of view, but better than a week or 2 ago.  Is it the meds or is it something else, like weather, diet, lack of exercise or daylight?  I just know I felt pretty shitty emotionally, wanting to cry at times and generally unhappy.  Hell of a way to live.

I see Gloria, my therapist, tomorrow.  I don’t know what we’ll talk about, perhaps we’ll discuss the online quiz I took about “My Top Strengths”, from the book “Strengths Finder 2.0”.  I don’t recall if I mentioned them previously but the results came out to “Connectedness, Intellection, Empathy, Individualization, and Strategic”.  I’m not sure what I think of the results, nor could I explain them in 20 words or less, but it was an interesting process to complete and hopefully I can take one nugget from it….

So bottom line there’s nothing profound to report, I wish I could say something you’d go “Wow” about but not today.  Stay tuned for further revelations.

Stuck in a rut, the Challenges continue

Stuck in a rut, the Challenges continue

I’m stuck in a rut, and I can’t seem to get out.  My challenge at this point is what to write.  Like so many others have expressed over time I too seem to be suffering from writers block.  What is going on??

I do have the odd moment where some concept comes to mind, something that might seem to be a “good idea” but I either forget it when the blogging time comes or I just brush it off and say “I just don’t feel like it”.  This is so indicative of my history that it pains me,  I feel a bit angry at myself, disappointed, and perhaps a few other emotions to boot.

During the last visit with my counselor we talked a bit about this trait, and where she feels it’s best not to stress about it I feel somewhat different.  In my mind I’ve suffered a bit of a set back, I’ve reverted to some of my old ways, I’ve regressed.  Do you notice the negative thread here?  Therein lies part of the problem I think, some of the negativity is returning.  Is my depression coming back, or whatever the correct terminology is?  I’m wondering if an increase in my meds is warranted, or is it all in my mind, figuratively speaking of course.  She counsels me to wait a bit and if I see no improvement in a couple months or so then see my doctor.  I just want to feel like doing this, getting back to writing my stuff, getting out of this rut.

Oh Sleep, Where are thou?

Oh Sleep, Where are thou?

A better day today with a (mostly) good nights sleep.  For some reason I’m not sleeping as well as I have been, and I’m not sure of why.  I have been waking up earlier than the alarm, and that’s early as the alarm is set for 5 am.  I had chaulked it up to a mismanagement of my schedule regarding meds but even at that I’d expect to be sleeping more consistently.

My sleep patterns were one of the things that were addressed when I was put onto Mirtazapine, I went from waking mulitple times during the night to sleeping right through and awakening relatively refreshed, perhaps a little sluggish at first but otherwise recharged and ready.  The only other thing I can think of at the moment is either: a) wine at/after dinner doesn’t work, or b) changing my meds from 1 – 30 mg tablet to 2 – 15 mg tablets has had some other effect.  That was only done because there seems to be a shortage of 30 mg tabs.  Shouldn’t but who knows.  Could even be c) Other.