Tag: Journey

By the Fire

By the Fire

I sit by the fire wondering, what’s my next move. Stay or go, stay or go?

Shall I stay here, outside, and gaze into the flames, pondering life and other things as deep. Or, should I leave the warmth and camaraderie of the campfire and set up inside the trailer? Take my book and find my place on the couch, or move directly to bed to continue reading there?

The flames hold a certain allure to be sure but the cheesecake and the comforts of home also have their appeal.

I, or we, have been camping for a few days now. I have been here alone for part of it while my wife had joined me for the weekend. I expect to remain, alone, for at least a few more days.

It’s much like my solitary journeys, this camping alone. I’ve taken solo trips, one man vacations as it were, and find them a mixture of loneliness and singular opportunities to learn things about oneself.

Others may scoff. You shouldn’t take vacations apart, it’s not good, you shouldn’t need to, it’s a sign of marital discord, the list goes on. Perhaps those reasons are true, and in some cases I’m sure they often are, but there are likely as many reasons why they are not. I look at those professing those opinions and wonder, are they better off? Are they happier? Do they have the key? You see these are some of the questions I ponder.

Coffee, With a Capital C

Coffee, With a Capital C

20120810-091635.jpgWhen I saw the results of this photo’s manipulation I thought Coffee, but not really coffee as the drink, although that what it is, but the stimulating results of Coffee.  Perhaps it’s the result of too much coffee, the edginess you might get, the effect you might see where Colors are Heightened and your Perceptions only appear Sharper.  That kind of Coffee.  The too much Caffeine capital C Coffee.

I don’t necessarily see or feel that this morning.  My morning brew today is conjured up using decaf grounds so I wouldn’t experience such things.  I have found the capital C Coffee to be counterproductive.  It does NOT help my mood.  Necessary at times but not today.

I struggle still this morning with the doldrums of past days.  I question whether to even write or journal about it as it sounds like so much whining.  I consider posting to another blog of mine, one that is private and not for public consumption.  I consider not writing at all.  None of these options bears fruit at this time.

I come back to my original intent of this venue.  It was to communicate how I was feeling, what progress if any I have been making along my journey.  It might mean something to someone, or help them along their way.  Isn’t that what we all want, to help someone else?

I must admit in some cases that journey may have been obscured by fancy writing or stories of humor and light heartedness.  There have been stories of Dad or perhaps family tribulations with other members.  All along though it should reflect where I am on my path, on a road where the way is marked by colors and light or one where the ruts along the way are bouncing me from side to side.  One where my full attention is spent solely maneuvering my way through the myriad of obstacles, trying to stay on the road.

So I don’t know where the road will end.  This particular section of the trip seems to be more challenging but as always I will survive, and along the way try to learn something.  Maybe you can learn something too.

Blog Name Change, and Description of Giftedness

Blog Name Change, and Description of Giftedness

The Blog name/description is new but the content will remain the same.

When I began the exercise of writing this blog I thought I would be unique and name it “My Journey through Depression”, thinking I would be a trendsetter.  Perhaps I should have googled the description beforehand as there are only about 5 million websites dealing with the same topic, many with a name very similar to the one I chose.  Who d’ve thunk?  So being the innovative guy I am I changed the description to what it is currently “Examining Myself – Depression & Being Gifted”.  Perhaps it would be wise to google this as well to see how many have chosen this tagline.

Having done that now and coming back I see only references to Depression and Giftedness.  A good sign.  I wasn’t sure about posting the “gifted” part, I still have issues with that description.  Although I think (ok I know) that I have a higher IQ than typical it is still something I have to accept and embrace.  Why I should have a challenge with it I don’t know, I should be proud.  I think part of it is that I have a distaste for those that toot their own horn, and I don’t want to be one of them.  Question – Why is that?

It seems like that is the way of the world though, and those that succeed or advance in life generally do that.  Pride and high self-esteem  Even self help books and management leadership books say that blowing your own horn is important.  That may be the case but it still doesn’t sit well with me.  It reminded me of a passage in “Tribal Leadership” where they talked about a group of business men chatting in an elevator, each one explaining his accomplishments and successive explanations topping the previous ones.  It went on to explain how that action was actually a sign that the group had advanced from one “Tribe” level or stage to another, as if the bravado itself was a sign of accomplishment and upward mobility.  Still hard for me to do.

On a more personal note I do exhibit many of the signs of being gifted, perfectionism, quick to learn, interest in a wide range of topics and others.  I may list some of them later.  My memory is not good at this time, although improving, and the frustration I feel as being misunderstood and the feeling I have that I can see the big picture when others can’t, those may be some of the symptoms that are exaggerated by the depression.  Even at that I don’t feel really depressed, I just know I am not feeling right.  Better, but not right.

I have a visit with my therapist/counselor tonight, perhaps I will ask her.

Text below is from a document “Solutions for the Problems of Giftedness”.


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