Tag: Depressed

Where do I begin?

Where do I begin?

It was an eventful day yesterday, running the gamut from dealing with Dad’s care, to full-on socializing, and being on the listening end of a full on bitch session regarding work.  By the end I felt beat-up and somewhat overwhelmed.

Dads doctor called in the afternoon, the results had come back from his blood work and his INR (International Normalized Ratio) was too low.  Essentially the INR is a measurement of the effectiveness of blood thinning drugs, in this case Warfarin.  If I understand correctly the low results indicate his blood has a slightly lower ability to clot.  In itself not too serious but the potential is there if left unmonitored or treated.  So between the doctors office and myself we got his dosage increased for a couple days and a further blood test this Friday.  The bus at the home will take him down to the blood clinic and he can get re-checked.  I have to say I’m a bit sceptical of this process, the whole “let him take the bus” routine, I see it having the potential for him either getting lost or missing the bus back, something that will require extra attention.  Call me a cynic, I just don’t feel all warm and fuzzy about it.

Next phase was visiting with Bruce, who was in town to do his service, so we were able to sit and have a couple scotches before going to dinner.  Unfortunately we didn’t get to commiserate as long as I’d hoped, nor about more interesting topics as Wally came with us and while he is generally fine to be with today he wasn’t so much.

He must’ve been feeling especially frustrated because when he began talking about work and how things were going the torrent of verbal distress came forth.  It pretty much dominated the conversation after that and by the time dinner was over I felt anxious and depressed.  Doesn’t really have a lot to do with me directly but Wally was hired to replace me and he’s having some challenges on the job himself.  Personal reasons have driven him to hand in his notice and he only has another week or so before he leaves.  I’m sure the work issues have impacted his decision in no small way as well, end result is he’s going after being there only a year or so, and no replacement has been selected that I know.

Bottom line when I got home I disgorged to Mo somewhat myself, poor thing.  I’m having some challenges getting my head around all the issues, both personal and work.  I’m sure it will come together, it’ll just take some time.

Children under the stairs, no more help with Dad

Children under the stairs, no more help with Dad

Mo and I had lunch with my Mom yesterday, Sunday being the day we typically try to get together with her, and both Larry and her before that. She does live in the basement, one of the original “children under the stairs”, but she has her space and we have ours so it’s not always that we see her, or get a chance to catch up. Unfortunately she is now the only “child under the stairs”, my stepfather having passed away in March.  I guess she’d not a child either but somehow the whole “under the stairs” thing was designated and has since stuck.

We asked her how her visit was with Dad earlier in the week.  The week prior she had actually offered to take him to lunch as she was going to be in Trail anyway and thought it would be nice.  Even though their marriage has been over for almost 30 years they are still civil and Mom has offered a number of times to help with Dad in any way she can.  Unfortunately that may be coming to an end.

It seems that Dad was not the most optimistic and upbeat lunch companion that we thought he might be.  Allegedly he complained about most of the food and even told the waitress he thought it was terrible.  Mom was embarrassed and as she said “very depressed” when she left.  “I won’t do that again” she said.  I can only hope she means she just won’t take him to lunch again.

He’s not always the most chipper guy when we’ve gone out but I don’t recall him being that vocal nor obviously unhappy with the meal.  It’s possible it was that bad, likely not though, and it’s possible it was more that he reacted that way in a restaurant that Mom and Larry favoured.  Unfortunately my inside voice said “Oh no, how I have to deal with him all alone again”.  I mentioned that I felt that way to Mo, about having to deal with him alone, and she said “We” will have to deal with him, not just me.  It’s yet to be seen.  Makes me sad.

Blog Name Change, and Description of Giftedness

Blog Name Change, and Description of Giftedness

The Blog name/description is new but the content will remain the same.

When I began the exercise of writing this blog I thought I would be unique and name it “My Journey through Depression”, thinking I would be a trendsetter.  Perhaps I should have googled the description beforehand as there are only about 5 million websites dealing with the same topic, many with a name very similar to the one I chose.  Who d’ve thunk?  So being the innovative guy I am I changed the description to what it is currently “Examining Myself – Depression & Being Gifted”.  Perhaps it would be wise to google this as well to see how many have chosen this tagline.

Having done that now and coming back I see only references to Depression and Giftedness.  A good sign.  I wasn’t sure about posting the “gifted” part, I still have issues with that description.  Although I think (ok I know) that I have a higher IQ than typical it is still something I have to accept and embrace.  Why I should have a challenge with it I don’t know, I should be proud.  I think part of it is that I have a distaste for those that toot their own horn, and I don’t want to be one of them.  Question – Why is that?

It seems like that is the way of the world though, and those that succeed or advance in life generally do that.  Pride and high self-esteem  Even self help books and management leadership books say that blowing your own horn is important.  That may be the case but it still doesn’t sit well with me.  It reminded me of a passage in “Tribal Leadership” where they talked about a group of business men chatting in an elevator, each one explaining his accomplishments and successive explanations topping the previous ones.  It went on to explain how that action was actually a sign that the group had advanced from one “Tribe” level or stage to another, as if the bravado itself was a sign of accomplishment and upward mobility.  Still hard for me to do.

On a more personal note I do exhibit many of the signs of being gifted, perfectionism, quick to learn, interest in a wide range of topics and others.  I may list some of them later.  My memory is not good at this time, although improving, and the frustration I feel as being misunderstood and the feeling I have that I can see the big picture when others can’t, those may be some of the symptoms that are exaggerated by the depression.  Even at that I don’t feel really depressed, I just know I am not feeling right.  Better, but not right.

I have a visit with my therapist/counselor tonight, perhaps I will ask her.

Text below is from a document “Solutions for the Problems of Giftedness”.


Read More Read More