Tag: Sadness

Dad's condition, Stressed again

Dad's condition, Stressed again

I’ve talked at some length to Dad’s hospital social worker about his condition and prognosis.  I won’t go into detail here, both because it’s not required and because it’s expensive doing it on my phone while using roaming.

Suffice to say he’s doing ok medically but the congestive heart failure has not been stabilized, yet.  We talked about his future and where his needs could best be met, at his home or elsewhere, ie an extended home facility somewhere, possibly here.

I feel a bit stressed by the whole thing and that was one reason I didn’t want to go there.  Am I a bad person then?  Am I abandoning him in his time of need?

We were never what I would call close, my father and I.  In fact I’d have to say my relationship with both my parents was somewhat distant.  That’s how I recall it anyway, and it may be fair to say my memory might be inaccurate, although the reality is that my whole life now and how I act, how I am, is based on that history and how I saw it going down.  All of that perception of my past was used in part to determine how I raised my kids and what I wanted my relationship with them to be.

I Feel Happy

I Feel Happy

Well the weirdest thing happened to me on leaving work today, I walked out into the sun and ran into Ivan.  That wasn’t the strange thing, we began chatting and I actually felt happy.  Go figure.  I do recall feeling up before meds (I’m going to call it bm) but this was almost surreal, and I can’t really articulate what the difference was, I just felt “happy”.  Now I’m sure the sun had an effect, and I’m sure going on holidays in a few days also helps, but that be grand if that was real life?

So kind of a depressing talk last night about buying a truck. We just don’t have the money, and therein is the source of the sadness.  Certainly it is not debilitating but money talk  always brings me down.

Also a bit sad when I stopped in at BP on the way home, Jordon made a comment about my folks.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him about Larry. I really miss the old fart.  As an FYI he was my stepfather, who passed away untimely in March. Still hard to believe he’s gone -tears-.

The Challenges I Face

The Challenges I Face

Well wouldn’t you know it, trying to login on my laptop but it doesn’t like my multiple attempts to login, it appears I can’t remember the basic things such as my password. Duh.

My visit with G went well, she thinks a blog is a good idea and feels it may help someone. She had suggested I write, fiction was where she was headed I think but this venue fits well with my journaling.

I suppose some history would be helpful here, without some background this won’t mean much to anyone.  I’ll work on a way to integrate it.  It’s also possible that I’ll import the existing blog from Blogger, although at this stage of the game I don’t know how much value it will hold.

Depression is the subject, and my journey through it. It’s my hope this will help someone else on their journey.

I was outed, as far as the diagnosis went, back in April I think.  I didn’t feel “right” and it was nothing I could put my finger on.  I’d made a road trip last year and I felt very low during portions of my alone time.  I was thinking the D word, not death, but divorce. It was certainly nothing my wife or family would have seen coming but it was weighing heavily on my mind.  I can’t even really remember the why of it, only that it seemed like a solution at the time. I was sad…..