Tag: Procrastination

Mr. Procrastination

Mr. Procrastination

My procrastination is running amok. And to top it off I’m not sure if the camping is helping or not.

One of the reasons we came out here, here being the local campground Syringa Creek Provincial Park, was for some R&R. After all, isn’t that why everyone goes camping?

I have some small jobs that I thought I might tackle while here, things like cleaning up and painting the trailer steps, replacing stack vents, maybe polishing the trailer wheels. Nothing too strenuous, and tasks that in themselves should take no longer than perhaps an hour each. Easy peasy. Just some time passers that help shorten my “to-do” list.

We also brought a wide selection of books, some magazines, a number of Suduko puzzles, and a couple laptops for writing and/or catching up on the cataloging and tagging of my photos. This is all for fun. As you can see, no shortage of entertainment or things to do.

Now this is where my procrastination sticks it’s nose in where it’s not wanted. I have so many things I can do, so many I want to do, and I’m perpetually stuck in the “maybe later” mindset. Whine, whine, whine. Quit your bellyaching. .

My failing (perhaps) is in having the mindset that I’m here, both camping and on this earth, to enjoy my life. You never know when it may end. I’m referring to our lives of course, not the camping. The camping will end when you get tired of it or when you run out of money and they kick you out for not paying. Wouldn’t that be an experience.

So I will let procrastination have it’s way with the to do list. I will walk, ride my bike, do some Suduko and perhaps read. I’ll do a little of each and try to find the balance. I don’t want to burn out after all, Ha Ha.

Occasionally I’ll also stroll the beach. It’s a beautiful campground and it’s situated on a large lake wedged between the mountains like a hotdog place between two buns. It’s absolutely gorgeous and I’m happy to be here, both on this earth and camping. We have a charmed life when you get right down to it.

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So ‘Mr. Procrastination’, give it your best shot. You may wear me down but right now I have the upper hand. My challenge is in believing it.

Morning Pages – in the Afternoon

Morning Pages – in the Afternoon

I have been quite faithful in maintaining my journal, or morning pages, and most days quite look forward to it.  Today was no exception, however the day started off at a pace faster than I first appreciated and I missed that first crucial step, relax and write.

Perhaps there are no “good excuses” but the tasks that took me off my schedule were dealing with some of Dad’s taxes, taking the car in for service, and then once I returned home just generally procrastinating and fussing about.  I think my biggest mistake was having the 3 or more cups of coffee during all of the above.  Caffeine and relaxing are not known to be synonymous, at least not in my book.  How someone can go to a coffee shop, drink coffee and write is beyond me.  Don’t get me wrong, you have all my admiration if you are able but the ability escapes me.  If I stay away from the 2nd or 3rd cup of coffee perhaps, otherwise forget it.

What works better for me is where I am now, sitting on my deck listening to the subtle tune of wind chimes and gurgling water.  The weather has turned for the better with the sun coming out and a mild breeze at my back.  My yard is coming to life with buds on the Magnolia tree and the shrubbery greening up.  Every so often the fragrance of spring wafts through the air and I feel so happy.  Life is good, this is what retirement means to me.

I came out to the deck after the above described procrastinating and finally sat down to complete my morning pages, in the afternoon.  My morning journal has been something quite helpful to me, beginning initially as a means to diarize my “feelin’s and emotions” and then later progressing to what it has now become, more a hardcover chat with myself.  It’s where I can record anything and everything, no topics left unturned, but primarily just a method to let some of my thoughts out.  It’s amazing how the process of writing down something, anything, can establish a flow of thought, of ideas, and feelings.  It was these thoughts and feelings that I want to capture here, so here I am.  I don’t want to neglect my paper pages but as I started to chat with myself in them I realized that here was where I wanted to be, not only on my deck but writing here on this blog.  Why?  Can’t say exactly, other than my hope is to inspire some thought within someone else, perhaps inspire them to step onto their deck or into their yard, and let the beauty of life surround them.

As you can likely discern I am in a relative good place right now, such has not always been the case.  If you’ve read any of the other drivel on this site you can attest to that.  It has been a journey, a trip through time, place, and mood.  Much of it good, some of it not so.  I don’t believe it’s over and should you choose to follow you will some day see the great reveal.  You will know…..who I am.  Not only the technical details of who I am, like name, address, and social insurance number, but who I am inside.  The complex thing they call Dwayne.  I often waver in my desire to come out of the blog closet, to post the address to this site on Facebook, or to Twitter my thoughts and provide a link back to this blog.  Even my closest family is not aware (that I know) of this secret location of my darkest thoughts.  If they do they have certainly not shared that knowledge with me.  And that’s fine.  When the time is right I will do that, it’s just not right yet.

In the meantime it’s just you and I.  I’m not sure who “you” is but even if I’m writing to myself I’m opening up a channel in my existence to a higher power.  Some say “God” and some say just creativity.  Whatever it is I feel more alive, and somehow more at peace.

As always any comments are most welcome,

Signing off,

me

It's ok to cry

It's ok to cry

I had another session with Gloria tonight (my counselor) and the conversation ranged from parental parenting, as in dealing with my Dad, to latent feelings of grief and loss.  We even threw a little bit of emotional support regarding crying and “triggers” when it comes to loss, and the strong emotions that can come forward unexpectedly as a result of those triggers.  I’d  have to say it was probably one of the more enlightening sessions I’ve had in a while.

We’ve had a number of good sessions in my opinion and that comes to a bit of a surprise to me, and to admit that remembering how I felt when I went into the process some many months ago.  She will offer some insights which seem simple, basic, or fundamental at first glance but upon further analysis have many benefits and potential insights.  Who’d’ve thunk??  I hope that at some point, sooner rather than later, that I can articulate to her the gifts she’s given me.

We also talked of writing, specifically the chronicling of my adventures with Dad.  I told her “I’ve had lots of support for this, there are quite a few people encouraging me”.  Gloria said I should do it too!  “We are in the age of the baby boomers, it’s a timely topic”.  I know it is, but I confided to her that I inevitably shut myself off, I don’t allow myself to complete a project like this, I really think I must be afraid of success.  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t come up with this stuff myself.  Reading up on Giftedness among other things like procrastination has taught me this.  It’s ok she said, give yourself permission to jam out, to not complete, in that way you can complete as much as you want and come back to finish if and when you like.  Hmmm, please Lord give me strength.

Mo's Birthday and gittin' sumpin done

Mo's Birthday and gittin' sumpin done

Well it’s the Queen’s birthday today, and not not the Queen of England or some such country, but the Queen of my house, Mo.  She acquired that name from our friend Andrew, he annointed her with it during one of our house renovations where he came to do the job and I helped.  I’m not quite sure why he called her that, although I’m going to believe it was a term of respect.  It’s all about our choice about how to receive things, right?

At any rate I’ve made pancakes for breakfast, and we’ll have a steak bar-b-que for dinner where I’ll prepare one of her favourite feasts for her, complete with my signature ‘shrooms.  The eatin’ kind, not the magic kind.

I feel pretty good today, ambitious and looking forward to accomplishing something.  As I’ve posted before even some small accomplishments go a long way to making me feel better, and the size or scope will expand over time.  The important thing is to do, not talk about doing.

It must sound like I’m a slackard or something, given my posts and descriptions of my activities.  Really I don’t think I am.  I do stuff, ok maybe not tons of stuff, but I do do things.  I maintain the house and yard, vehicles as well, and just try to find a balance between those types of tasks and personal mental care.  Sometimes I think I just swing a bit too far toward the mental care focus, and procrastination takes hold.  And you know the thing is, for me at least, that going too far that way can be counter-productive.  If I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished something in the “job jar” area I actually begin to feel worse.  I think part of the reason is that I’m quite handy and able to do many things that when I sluff off tasks it feels somewhat demeaning.  I know I can do so much more.  Hence back to my looking forward to doing something.

Daily dose of info, blog The Pursuit of Happiness

Daily dose of info, blog The Pursuit of Happiness

I just read a little bit of a blog called “The Pursuit of Happiness”.  This gent has been online blogging for few years and is suffering from depression.  I can’t pretend to explain fully his travels but it’s enough to say he’s had a go of it.  He is in the process of trying herbal remedies to try and counteract or minimize his symptoms.  Is that the right word, “symptoms”?  Anyway you get the point.

I came across his blog earlier, like a month or more ago, and read some at that time but just tried to figure where he was coming from.  I didn’t get far so at that time I put a link to it in my favourites.

I saw the link again when I imported all my favourites into Delicious, a web favourites storage site.  It’s kind of a cool site where you import favourites from all the computers you use and it makes them accessible from wherever you are.  So anyway I came across it and began re-reading it.  It’s interesting stuff but I wonder how can people keep up with all the info out there that’s interesting and do their own stuff.  It seems a challenge to me to be able to keep up my own blog without reading multi-blogs of others, as interesting as they may be.  Hey, let’s buy and read a book on how to keep up with blogs and still do your own thing.  Another book I can put on the shelf.  I’ll follow in my moms footsteps, buying interesting books but never getting to read them.  Too many interests going on.

I did finish the book on Procrastination so I think I’m making progress, and I’ve been trying to just take on small tasks, or small portions of tasks, as the book suggests.  I try to follow up on completion of those tasks with some kind of reward, like sitting down to read a chapter of a good book (fiction) or some other “treat”, not necessarily food although if your diet would allow it that could be an option.  That process helps, and it needs to be a habit that I need to develop in order to replace the bad-der habits I have now, like not doing any tasks whatsoever.

Back to the Pursuit blog, he talks about the amount of traffic he’s generated, and I’m curious as to how he has done that.  Was that a conscious thing or did he build it and they came?  If I was honest with myself, and I really should be shouldn’t I, I’d say I would like to have some traffic as well.  I’d like to think what I had to say had some interest for some folks.  I wonder how long it took him??

Fruitful day

Fruitful day

I had a successful day yesterday, did some financial planning (always looking to retire you know), visited a local home care facility to see if it meets Dads needs, got my glasses fixed, and best of all sat out in my front yard in the shade reading a book and chillin’ with a beer.  Nice!  Even looked at a truck, a pretty thing all blinged out and looking for a new owner.  Unfortunately it is not going to be me.

The book I’m reading is on Procrastination, I’ve mentioned it before.  I am trying to take notes on it, writing them down on paper so I can transcribe them into here without breaking my train of thought.  Before this I was putting the book down and entering tidbits into the blog so I wouldn’t forget them but that is cumbersome and it’s harder for me to focus on the book.  I am proud of myself though, I was able to focus more and I feel better about my goals.

Procrastination – Gifted characteristics

Procrastination – Gifted characteristics

Seems like procrastination and Giftedness have some overlapping characteristics. One trait that is common would be taking on too many, or too big, a project or goal. I certainly do that, I can have 3 or more books going or many projects started, going great guns but seldom finishing any before moving on, to something more important or interesting. Right this moment is an perfect example, I’m reading a book on procrastination and laying it down mid-page to blog. Dumb.

It’s a combination of attention span, self control, and a desire to get an idea to paper (blog) while I think of it.  My Iphone is handy for that, I can jot a note or couple comments to my blog and then go back to the book.  I guess I could do it on paper too, maybe a sticky note or something.  That’d be less intrusive and distracting.  Hmmm.  The overlap with my version of giftedness would be the (sometimes) poor focus.  Also having multiple things on the go.

Dad's Saga – Hopeful move

Dad's Saga – Hopeful move

Still continuing to work on getting Dad here, it seems to consume all my time and most of my focus.  In reality it doesn’t consume ALL my time however it feels like it.  I struggle to blog about how I feel, or how I’m doing as it feels like all I am revolves around helping Dad.  I know he needs me, now more than ever.  My sister offers frequently to help me but I tell myself it would be too hard to bring her up to speed, and it would be easier for me to do.  I’m second guessing that and perhaps I’ll allow her to help by giving her the project of setting up his HandyDart pass.  It may be a challenge for her, it may be quite straightforward.  At any rate it will off load me and allow her to feel she can contribute.

I’m continuing to read a book on Procrastination and aspects of it mirror excerpts from the book on Emotional Alchemy.  Awareness of one’s emotions, or in this case your/my situations involving procrastination, are key.  Seek first to understand I believe is a quote from Stephen Covey and where he uses it as part of a improvement for communication I think it applies here too with understanding why we do things like procrastinate.  If we understand something (that is a problem for us) we are miles ahead in understanding what is needed to resolve it.  Oh I hope I continue to learn and retain.  I think my memory is improving, I want to continue to grow and learn.

Feelin' pretty good

Feelin' pretty good

I feel pretty upbeat this morning, better than many mornings lately.  Not that I have felt poorly just not as “up” as today.  The trick now will be to determine why, if there’s an external reason or if it’s strictly a function of meds operating on my body.  Gloria (my therapist) has said many times that I will have good days and some not so good and one of the benefits of journaling is that I can refer back and see progress, comparing with those days when things were not as good and I was less “up”.  It seems to me that there is a subtle distinction between most good and not as good days.

Doing a little armchair psychoanalysis would lead me to believe that part of the reason is that I was active yesterday, mowing the lawns and otherwise puttering around outside.  The “outside” part may be significant as well, getting more sun will elevate many peoples moods, I believe an increase in the uptake of vitamin D is one factor.  I have been suffering (another word I dislike) from SAD for a number of years that I’m aware, who knows how long before that.  I had been extremely lethargic during our winters, craving sweets and just generally blah feeling.  I purchased a SAD light and that has helped immensely.  During summer hours and/or if I get lots of sunlight my mood improves and the symptoms go away for all intents and purposes.

Another possible reason for the mood lift is my reading, perhaps even the types of books I’ve been reading.  Currently I’m reading a book on Procrastination, How and Why, and How to Fix.  That’s not the exact title and I’ll post it separately.  Essentially I think there’s a coorelation with (and it just struck me as possible) between exercise, both body and mind, and my mood.  Things that make you go Hmmm…..

I know that when I read non-fiction, self help books or motivational books etc. that I wish to post more, to get my thoughts down on paper as it were, but the posting also interferes with my train of thought and my focus on whatever book I’m reading.  I’ve tried to post from my phone, which is marginally more convenient, but I’ve yet to come up with the best combination of reading and note taking. (as an aside, note taking for the purposes of blogging is a bit easier on the phone in that the autocorrect and auto punctuation can speed things up)

Anyway bottom line is keep fit, physically and mentally.  And Dwayne, by the way, Don’t Procrastinate.

G's visit- Word for the day is Adapting, I do it all the time

G's visit- Word for the day is Adapting, I do it all the time

It appears that keeping up the posts is a bigger challenge than I’ve anticipated, maintaining a schedule should not be too hard even though I can’t seem to achieve it.

I’m just waiting now for my appt with Gloria, don’t really know what we’ll chat about and I hope it will be fruitful.

One of my frustrations is continual procrastination, and I have a book on the topic and inevitably I continue putting off reading it.  There’s something in that statement I think.  I’ll have to resurrect it I think, and in fact at one point I thought I threw it out.

We could talk more about family issues too, either the mother/daughter dynamics, my annoyance with Mo’s sister, or perhaps my Dad and the issues around him.  Likely that will come up. I think my most relative emotion there will be guilt, for not being there for him and also for not wanting to be.  That’s likely the kicker.
~~~
After visit with Gloria:

Much of the above was discussed. And….

  • possible visit with Tracy
  • visiting/socializing with others, and likely work itself, require I “adapt”.  Hearing it expressed that way opened my eyes.
  • I shouldn’t feel guilty about my taking time away from Dad care, and asking for help
  • I’m doing well in setting boundaries when it comes to socializing, in camping and at home.  Ties in with the adapting theme.
  • we talked about what gifted means, about seeing connections between things that others don’t see, or seeing them sooner.  How I/we see or perceive more things around us, are sensitive to more sensory input (my words).
  • I talked of how I feel as if I’m seen as a good listener, a trusted confidant, a wise soul, and how that can drain me, taking in others troubles with no one to talk to myself.  I now talk to Gloria of course but ultimately a peer or someone of like mind, someone I can relate to on the same level, would be preferable.  She suggests hat will likely come.
  • we talked of this blog and the direction it has, and perhaps should, take. How I want to open up but at the same time are afraid of sharing too much.

I enjoy the chats when we do get into it, the nugget this week was my “adapting” to certain circumstances, a strength but something to be aware of so as not to overdo it.  I adapt when in social circumstances, I adapt in my job, I adapt in areas which are somewhat outside my comfort zone.  The act of adapting requires the expending of energy, putting up a “persona” of sorts, possibly a forcefield on occasion.

What I want to know is why can’t I come up with this shit on my own?  I’m supposed to be a bright guy. Go figure.

And as an aside, is it (that I feel) constant validation I think Ma is looking for, judging by my take on various comments and the context she makes them in?  Draining.