Tag: Posts

Wake up and Smell the Roses

Wake up and Smell the Roses

The title for this post is a mis-quote by a chap I used to work with, we called them Tommy’isms and there were a few. This one is a cross between “Wake up and smell the coffee” and “Stop and smell the roses” and it came to mind after reading a post by RCGale called “Writers seem to be writing about the things they feel they ought to be writing about, and not the things that obsess them”. The post resonated with me because that particular challenge is one I currently face and struggle with almost every time I post. It seems to be so prevalent in my blogging life I’ve posted about it before.

The original intent for me was to record what I was thinking and feeling on any given day and somehow make some sense of it. By journalling I wanted to provide something to others, to show readers (if there were any) that they were not alone, there was at least one other person out there who thought the same as them or was experiencing the same or similar things. Somehow, in some subtle way, it morphed into being more about the writing and less about the “why”.

I still have the challenges and I have taken Ross’s post as reminder that the writing should be from “the heart”, with the purpose of expressing ones thoughts and feelings, and not for the sole reason to collect readership and in many cases increase sales. That’s not to say that books written for that purpose are somehow wrong or mis-guided, the author need only be clear in their own mind what their intent is.

So in order to accommodate both purposes (because I’m all about pleasing everyone) I will try to remember my original goal and write from my gut, but do it in a pleasing and palatable way that makes it a “good read”. After all, if it’s not easy to read and enjoyable what’s the point, right? Please let me know what you think.

I’m Baa-aack…

I’m Baa-aack…

I feel like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” where he sticks his head through the door and says “I’m Back”, although as I recall he said it more like “I’m baaaack”.  As it turns out when I did a Google search for a picture it came up with the photo you see and it was a post by the same name on a blog called Tales from the Vinyl Village.  Go figure.  You may not believe it but I had my title chosen before I even selected the photo, must be great minds think alike. The photo has that creepy look to it, that Jack did so well.

It’s been an interesting week or so, probably more if I add it all up.  Current plans revolve around the Easter festivities, a baby shower for my daughter, and ensuing mass of family and friends that will arrive to indulge in both.  I am on some levels looking forward to it, it can be my last hurrah of sorts.

Of course a dominant thought of mine is my impending retirement.  I still don’t really know how I feel about it, my emotions run the range from happy to sad, enthusiastic to disappointed, confused to….well, still confused.  At times I feel like Jack looks, menacing and all outta-sorts, not my particular choice of flavors but truthful nonetheless.  I believe I have a handle on my emotions but there will likely be a time when they will burst forth, probably at the most inopportune time and certainly when I least expect it.

One of my friends here had such an experience when he came to confirm that I was in fact leaving as quickly as he heard.  He became very teary and quite surprised me with his obvious depth of emotion, the caring that he exhibited.  I almost cried with him.  A truly touching time, a “Kodak moment”.

I tell myself I will maintain decorum at all costs, I’ll not give them (the “Mgmt. Man”) the satisfaction of knowing my hurt, and to be brutally honest it is hurt that I feel.  When you put 40 years into an organization, hell into anything, I don’t see how you could feel anything else.  It’s as if you feel like you are now invisible, you have just vanished and almost nobody knows you’ve gone or were ever there.  Not everyone sees it like that of course, I have many positive and caring relationships here, but when your bosses exhibit that trait you begin to wonder.

So I will move on and continue my efforts to be a optimistic person, to look on my experiences here as positive and remember fondly all the players and games we played.  Like one of my compandres said, we make our decisions and once done our goal needs to be to live with them.  I can still be sad, it’s a real emotion, but I need to be happy about so much more.  Cheers.

Inspiration from Others

Inspiration from Others

"Writing", 22 November 2008
“Writing”, 22 November 2008 (Photo credit: dr_ed_needs_a_bicycle)

Inspiration can can come from many sources, whether it’s the beauty of an scene outside your window or the heartfelt comments of a friend or loved one. In my case it’s more the latter with both sources, friend and family, having a part.

My mother should get highest honors in that arena having written 2 books so far and working on her 3rd. She has sent me her rough texts to read and in the process I’ve grown to have a better understanding of her and her past.  She inspires me.

My friend is an additional source having started her own blog. She has a knack for the art and although she’s only posted a few times I see a maturity and openness in her posts that give me hope for mine.  She is a single mother and I’m awed with her energy.

All we can hope for is to reach others through our written word.  It’s not the inspiration that challenges me, I often have that.  The ideas are there, I’ve only to tap into them.  It’s the dedication and determination to create another post, something that will strike a chord with others.  Whether it’s the time I don’t seem to have or the energy that’s evaporated from my life I’ve become stuck again.  I tell myself that retirement will cure that problem, that it will alleviate the stress that demotivates me and provide me with the time and energy that will move my writing forward.  I’m optimistic, and in the end isn’t optimism part of the solution?

So I will keep posting, on a frequency that works for me now.  In the upcoming months I hope to have more time and with a little luck and continued inspiration perhaps I’ll pick up the pace.  I read somewhere that typically blogs will die within one month, that the blogger will run out of steam or enthusiasm and the posts will cease.  I hope that will not be the case with me. It’s been just short of a year and I see no end in sight.  I’ll keep you “posted”.

Journaling vs Idle drivel

Journaling vs Idle drivel

This is a “bi-authored” post if there is such a thing. What i mean by that is I began posting something of what I was seeing, some of my current experience in the Winnipeg airport, and try to relate it in a “colorful” fashion. I soon realized it have little to do with my Journalling” or didn’t think it did. Hence I began again with a new post here with the idea of clarifying my thoughts. The problem now is that neither is getting completed, boarding has been announced, and I feel no closer to accomplishing my original goal. I’m leaving too many posts incomplete, it’s something I need to work on, an improvement in my learning I can seek.

Habits are hard to break

Habits are hard to break

I’ve really fallen out of the groove lately as far as posting goes. I’ll take a minute now as I wait to go into physio.

So much for that effort, that’s as far as I got then I had to go into my appointment.  Oh well, the thought was there.

Books, Motivation and what Blogging means to me.

Books, Motivation and what Blogging means to me.

Funny how books can motivate you.  Over the last number of days or even weeks I’ve had little desire to read anything other than fiction.  I’ve got Management books up the wazzoo, Self Help books and others, but recently I’ve had no desire to read them.  I think the position I’ve taken of late is that moving up the corporate ladder as it were holds no interest for me any longer.  Not that it ever did, at least not seriously, it was more that I was more interested in doing what seemed like the right thing to do, workwise.  Look where it got me, not anywhere I feel good about anyway.  So I took on a new tack, I read what I want to read which lately has been fiction.

Now, back to the point of this post, after my meeting with Gloria I began thinking of some of the books I’ve got in my library and thought I might want to read them, for me this time, not for some idealized reason of improving my lot corporately.  The other thing is that I’ve noticed that it increases my blog posts, I write more as I read more.  I come across things of interest to me, things that make me go hmmm, and hope that by my posting on them I can bring some glimmer of interest to someone else..

Now that hasn’t happened yet, the interest to someone else part, and maybe it never will.  I just need to be ok with my posting for the sake of posting, to help me understand myself, why I think a certain way or do things in the way I do.  Maybe what I see, or how I see it, that is the reason Gloria thinks I should post, what the depression and being gifted means to me.

‘Nuf’ said?

G's visit- Word for the day is Adapting, I do it all the time

G's visit- Word for the day is Adapting, I do it all the time

It appears that keeping up the posts is a bigger challenge than I’ve anticipated, maintaining a schedule should not be too hard even though I can’t seem to achieve it.

I’m just waiting now for my appt with Gloria, don’t really know what we’ll chat about and I hope it will be fruitful.

One of my frustrations is continual procrastination, and I have a book on the topic and inevitably I continue putting off reading it.  There’s something in that statement I think.  I’ll have to resurrect it I think, and in fact at one point I thought I threw it out.

We could talk more about family issues too, either the mother/daughter dynamics, my annoyance with Mo’s sister, or perhaps my Dad and the issues around him.  Likely that will come up. I think my most relative emotion there will be guilt, for not being there for him and also for not wanting to be.  That’s likely the kicker.
~~~
After visit with Gloria:

Much of the above was discussed. And….

  • possible visit with Tracy
  • visiting/socializing with others, and likely work itself, require I “adapt”.  Hearing it expressed that way opened my eyes.
  • I shouldn’t feel guilty about my taking time away from Dad care, and asking for help
  • I’m doing well in setting boundaries when it comes to socializing, in camping and at home.  Ties in with the adapting theme.
  • we talked about what gifted means, about seeing connections between things that others don’t see, or seeing them sooner.  How I/we see or perceive more things around us, are sensitive to more sensory input (my words).
  • I talked of how I feel as if I’m seen as a good listener, a trusted confidant, a wise soul, and how that can drain me, taking in others troubles with no one to talk to myself.  I now talk to Gloria of course but ultimately a peer or someone of like mind, someone I can relate to on the same level, would be preferable.  She suggests hat will likely come.
  • we talked of this blog and the direction it has, and perhaps should, take. How I want to open up but at the same time are afraid of sharing too much.

I enjoy the chats when we do get into it, the nugget this week was my “adapting” to certain circumstances, a strength but something to be aware of so as not to overdo it.  I adapt when in social circumstances, I adapt in my job, I adapt in areas which are somewhat outside my comfort zone.  The act of adapting requires the expending of energy, putting up a “persona” of sorts, possibly a forcefield on occasion.

What I want to know is why can’t I come up with this shit on my own?  I’m supposed to be a bright guy. Go figure.

And as an aside, is it (that I feel) constant validation I think Ma is looking for, judging by my take on various comments and the context she makes them in?  Draining.

Another Late post

Another Late post

It’s been a while since I last posted, almost a week.  Mostly we’ve just been on the road but there have been periods with no cell service as well. Poor excuses all really.  G says I shouldn’t worry about not journalling every day but if this blog does become read it’s important to be consistent, or followers may drop it.  I suppose that’s a minor concern and really the issue is my being consistent.

Aside – I’ve begun rereading the book “Emotional Alchemy” and it has refocussed my attention.  I have slipped in a number of my interactions and some of my responses to others are becoming inappropriate in that I’m snapping and being short.  I do this in reaction to comments being made by them, to or around me.  I can do better.  Typically my shortness is with my wife Mo, and where I find her comments lead me to react in a certain fashion she is not deserving of my shortness with her, nor any rudeness I may feel to obliged to treat her with.

The current chapter in the book is comparing the progress and setbacks one encounters as being analogous to one’s journey through drug or other chemical addictions, often making significant progress and then suffering setbacks.  It states, as far as brain function goes, there is a parallel between emotional habits and addictions.  It has to do with the dopamine balance in parts of the brain, and the quantity of receptors that are in use.

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Update on Dad, he’s been taken back to emergency complaining of hallucinations.  I feel very torn, on the one hand feeling very concerned for him and what to become of him, on the other tired of the frequent hospital visits. And that makes me feel bad, rather I feel badly of myself thinking that way.  I don’t feel like the shining example of a son that I’m seen to be by some others.  But hey this shouldn’t be about me, he is the one that is potentially on his last legs .  But hey again this is my blog and IS supposed to be about me and my feelings of the things that are happening to and around me.

Missed day

Missed day

Well I missed another post. That is not a good trend to get into.

Stressful day today as have been the last few. I’ve been dwelling on my having to complete the performance reviews on my staff. In the end it was not a big deal but the build up to it was wearing me down.