Tag: post

Here we go again

Here we go again

Originally posted on

I think “Here We Go Again” is a title of an old song, can’t be sure though and it really doesn’t matter. In this sense it only means here I go, putting up another very late post.

I see it’s not been since January of this year that I visited here to write. I’m surprised! My my, where does the time go?

I’ve been active and there are many things that have happened around me. Perhaps no more than to the average bear but they were, of course, significant to me. Mostly it’s just life stuff.

One thing of note was that since my last post I’ve gone back on the ‘juice’. Now before you get all confused or concerned you must realize the ‘juice’ in this context is an anti-depression medication, in this case Citalopram. Last year I was on Mirtazapine but in my wisdom I chose to get off the meds and see how things turned out. Not too well evidently.

After stopping the Mirts I did not become suicidal or anything close to that self destructive, it was more a case of low moods and and a frequent sadness I couldn’t seem to avoid. In fact, as I told my doctor, I would often get very teary and emotional during commercials on tv. I short I was very often low. This didn’t happen immediately but became more pronounced over time. In a nutshell I was not better, more help was needed, but I persevered.

In January we went to Okotoks to our niece’s. That’s where we had gone to visit during our annual get-away and where I last posted  Typically we go somewhere away from our city to just be away, to regroup and recharge. January is the month our son died so since then, Jan. of 2000, we either take a week in our time-share or perhaps we go to visit kin. In this case the kin won. It was a nice visit, a good escape. I had no overt depression or anxiety but my sadness lingered.

During that same month my Mother moved out of our basement suite where she had lived for a 7 or so years. She and my step-Father had moved in when they found the challenges of living alone, away from town, a challenge. My step-Father Larry unfortunately passed away a few years ago just after his 80th birthday but my Mom stayed with us. Now, through a series of outside circumstance, she felt moving to Langley was the best choice for her and her siblings so she took on the challenge of moving and went to the big city. I supported her move and still do. It is her call and I think I can appreciate her reasons.

Since her move we have spent time refurbishing the suite in hopes of attracting another good tenant. I won’t belabour the point but all went quite well and in the end we gained my (ex) brother-in-law Jake as a new ‘person under the stairs’. I could likely write volumes about the dynamics of him and his wife (and her family) but I won’t. I would like cause you some disbelief and wonderment about how these kinds of relationships could even take place. Maybe not though, I guess they are on reality tv all the time.

But I digress. After our foray away and my Mom’s move I just reached the point where I knew a change was needed. Don’t misunderstand, my situation was neither caused nor exacerbated by either our trip, the timing, nor my Mom’s leaving. They were only pointers in time, the inevitable return to medication was evident by that point.

After our return home a visit to my doctor supported my diagnosis, he determined I was depressed and had a higher degree of anxiety than ‘normal’. A regime of anti-depressants were again prescribed. In consult with the doctor we decided to try the Citalopram as I felt the Mirtazapine did not hold up it’s end of the bargain and let me down after some time. This became more evident as I re-read my paper journal and saw a decline in my moods over time. Another reason I had chosen to stop the Mirts. The Citalopram would also apparently help with any anxiety.

At any rate here we are. After being on the Cital since Jan. 28th I feel better once again. Not so much something you may be able to see but more an even-ess and stability of mood. I have more motivation and am getting some things done. I do hope it continues. My sleep has improved and although I dream crazy dreams now it is more restful. A drawback to the Citalopram is a tiredness during mid morning but I may change when I take my dose to dinnertime and the drowsiness may abate.

So in that sense I hope the tagline “Here we go again” is a positive one and I don’t find myself regressing over time. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

p

The Update is ……, No Updates

The Update is ……, No Updates

No updates, Ha, that’s an understatement. I’ve not posted to any of my blogs, nor put up any photos for at least a couple weeks. I almost feel like I’m going through withdrawal. I have shared a bit on “MurielsKids” but even that has been spotty. I don’t know why, just lazy I guess.

It has been hot, damn hot, and that tucker’s me out but even a quick blurb would suffice. Just haven’t been on the computer much.

20130726-212845.jpg

I will endeavour to improve however. Cut me some slack eh. Like my buddy the Terminator said, “I’ll be back”.

7 Reasons My Underwear Feels Too Tight

7 Reasons My Underwear Feels Too Tight

Ever have one of those days where you seem to be just a little out of phase with the rest of humanity, where the best laid plans seem to go astray?  A day where after breakfast you put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge. I’m experiencing that today. It’s seems as if everything I touch, anything I do, falls just short of being ‘right’.

morning pages, journal, journaling, writing
Morning pages

Today is a Dad’s day, a day where I take him out and we go to the doctor, optometrist, or in this case to the lab for blood work, and then we go out for lunch. I had planned to leave home a little early so that before I picked him up I could go to Walmart or one of the many electronics type stores to look for a phone case for my new iPhone 5 (and that’s a whole ‘nuther story).

Prior to leaving I was doing my morning pages, you know, that’s ‘writing’ in a book with paper pages and using a pen or pencil. These days I’m not sure how many people still do that…, but I was and before I completed one of my sentences part way through the exercise I became distracted. Well, not distracted at that time really, I put the journal down to check on something I was writing about and that’s when I got distracted. My wife had a question about her ‘new’ iPhone 4s (my hand-me down). There I went, off task, and so far today I’ve not made it back to the journal.

Well that put me behind schedule, not only did I not get to finish the sentence or entry in my journal I never made it away in time to go look at iPhone covers before picking Dad up.

So off on my way I went. I picked up Dad on time (amazingly) and we went to the lab. Fortunately the handicapped parking right in front of the lab was available so we slipped right in, and interestingly enough the lab wasn’t too busy so we waited no more than 5 – 10 minutes to get called. Seems like my day wasn’t a right-off after all, so far things were going well. Lunch was next.

Now that I’m recounting the days events it’s seems like maybe things weren’t so bad after all, lunch went well and Dad paid so life is good and things were looking up. We had a nice visit, he was feeling pretty good and I got him back to his home without further ado. It didn’t stay that way however, or didn’t feel like it anyway.

After dropping Dad off I hit the stores to look for my case, and if I learned anything during that exercise it’s that nothing is cheap, particularly quality iPhone cases. To get the case I wanted, an Otter Commuter, was going to cost between $44 – $50 bucks depending on the store. That’s in addition to any screen protector I bought. My stress was in a holding pattern. A quick look at Amazon (on my phone of course) made me realize that online is where I’ll get them, way cheaper.

As I think about that experience it dawns on me perhaps one of the reasons I feel so stressed and out of sorts is that I am so worried about dropping my phone, and have been ever since I picked it up. Perhaps that is the underlying cause, the reason for my ‘out of sorts’. Whatever the cause….. I feel how I feel and it continued through the day, that ‘skin don’t fit’ kinda feeling.

After arriving back at my home I had to turn around and go back out to run a couple more errands, one of which was to pick up quilt batting for my wife at the local fabric store. I’m afraid I scared the lady in the store, I feel like I went in there with a chip on my shoulder and although I don’t think it’s true I felt like I was surly and abrupt. Damn underwear starting to crawl again.

Next stop was an auto parts store to try and replace one of my malfunctioning wiper blades, that I paid $40 bucks for no less. I went in through the door and must’ve looked like I was ready for bear as the attendant approached my apprehensively and quickly passed me off the reps at the service counter. I suspect he wanted nothing to do with me, if he could see how I felt he was probably wise to defer me. The counterman listened somewhat sympathetically to my plight. I explained the driver’s side wiper leaves a streak in front of my eyes and when I just paid $40 bucks for 1 blade I had hoped it would last longer than 3 months. He murmured back “Well, I guess I could replace it”. Well, thank you very much. Perhaps he could see I was itching for a fight too.

So that sounds like another win doesn’t it? Hang on, not so soon.

Unfortunately when I went outside to swap the bad blade for the good I must’ve touched the fender of the car with my jacket. As I pulled back after installing the blade I noticed a nice brown smudge of dirt/mud on my nice clean black jacket. Argggh, %$”*”&#*, use your imagination to translate. Now I’m fussed and I’m dirty, and if you know me you know I don’t like to get dirty. Especially on tight underwear day.

All I can do is wipe the mud off my jacket and try to wipe my mood clean at the same time. I was relatively successful, nothing damaged and nobody hurt in the process, and proceeded to the next stop. Fill up with gas.

Things went relatively smoothly after that, although getting out of the car prior to filling I noticed yet another blotch of mud, this time on my pant leg. Will it never end I thought (how about wash the car dummy). I exited the car and holding it together somehow inserted my credit card into the gas pump. Perhaps I was too fast, perhaps too forceful, the pump would not accept my card. Another ARGGGH.

Take a deep breath, try again, success this time. The gassing up exercise completed with few casualties, only my spirit.

Two Slurpees in a car cupholder.
Two Slurpees in a car cupholder. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Home I went. But wait, I had to get my wife a Slurpee (Slushy). I don’t understand her penchant for ice cold ice based drinks on a cold winter day but hey, who am I to argue with the light of my life. She wants a Slurpee, a Slurpee she shall have.

Knowing that this stop would be part of my day I came prepared, I had her refillable Slurpee cup at hand. The Slurpee machine operated flawlessly and I proceeded to check out. It was when I went to pay that I was met with a surprise.

Now it’s not like I’ve never used the plastic refillable cup before but when I paid and found the tab higher than expected I gasped.

“Are you sure”, I asked? “How can it be that a Slurpy with a re-usable cup can be more expensive than if I’d used one of the disposable cups?”

“Well”, she said. You never told me it was YOU’RE cup”.

I guess she had me there. And mentioning to her that I ‘assumed’ she knew it was my cup did NOT help the situation. She only replied “when you assume you make an ass out of you and an ass out of me.” She sighed heavily, refunded my money and then charged me a more appropriate, smaller, amount. Personally I think her underwear didn’t fit either, or maybe it’s the moon.

With my chores pretty much completed I forged home, stewing all the while about how I was out of phase, how my skin didn’t fit, how my knickers were too tight, and in my mind plotting what I would write here. It’s a good thing an animal didn’t bolt or a car pull out in front of me, my attention was not all there. I was too busy thinking of what I’d say here.

I did arrive at my home safely though, I don’t think I maimed anyone in transit, at least as far as I know.

After backing into my driveway I did notice a couple beer cans laying on the snowbank in front of my hedge (not mine, I have enough decency to toss mine in the neighbours yard). Here I go again, I feel that familiar tugging sensation near my private parts.

Knowing it’d be futile to pick up the beer cans and carry all my acquisitions (quilt batting, Slurpy) and Dads’ medical history file (that I try to take every time I see him), along with my camera bag and sweater etc., I choose the smart avenue. Pick up the cans, drop them in the recycle, and make not 1 but 2 trips back and forth to the car for the rest of the stuff. That way I can be sure not to f*** up and either drop half the stuff or wipe my clothes OR the new quilt batting on the side of the muddy car. Mission accomplished, all goods arrived in the house unscathed.

Once inside I dropped everything (not literally) and quickly logged on to my WordPress account to quickly disgorge my thoughts into a post, to try and enlighten you to my day and what made it ‘special’. I hope I didn’t bore you too badly and you arrived, like I did at the end of my afternoon, with underclothes that fit. I know the constricting feelings were all just fleeting experiences, tomorrow will be another day and hopefully one where I am in alignment with the universe. Until that time, if your underwear doesn’t fit go without.

Cheers

Mediocrity Breeds Contempt

Mediocrity Breeds Contempt

I thought of this comment, and that it would make a good title, after I wrote my last post. It seemed appropriate somehow, I wasn’t pleased with my last effort, that’s the mediocre part, and I had some contempt for myself. I had such high hopes, I anticipated feeling more fulfilled once I was done writing it but it was not to be. I felt empty.

My reason, my excuse for the mediocrity, was haste. I was in a hurry to complete the post and move on.

I had written the bulk of the post while sitting in Barnes & Noble and unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) my wife finished shopping earlier than expected and I had to catch up with her. I left the post virtually in mid-thought, closed up my notebook and went to meet her.

From there the evening was pretty much a blur. There was a little more shopping, checking into the hotel, dinner, and then back to the hotel to power down.  It was then I made the fatal mistake, I tried to finish the post while being tired. Really tired. Not a good combo.

So apologies are in order by friends, I hope I can learn from this and ensure there is ‘no next time’. This is all in the light of knowing that all good blogs, those that attract readers and followers, have as a basic element “good content”. That’s something I’ve always tried to deliver, I’ve let you down.

Time to say good-night, it’s late again and I’m tired, still.

Cheers

I’m Having Flashbacks

I’m Having Flashbacks

I began writing in my paper journal again, if 2 days in a row constitutes ‘again’. Like this blog, and my entries into it, I have been writing somewhat sporadically in my journal(s) of late. Don’t know why particularly, just have. Todays journal entry brought me here.

What sparked this particular blog post was the sun, that beautiful yellow orb that rises most days and brightens our lives. I say most days because although it certainly comes up every day (wouldn’t that be a bummer if it didn’t) we here in the beautiful Kootenays of southern BC don’t necessarily get to see it. We don’t always get to witness awe inspiring sunrises and feel the warmth on our faces. Today is such a day, the sun has shown it’s face.

20130129-092249.jpgI’m sitting here on the couch, beside the east facing windows. That yellow thing is shining through the glass, brightly now as its fully crested the mountains opposite us. The warmth is striking not only my face but is soaking into my spirit, melting away some of those doldrums that so often take hold of us. It inspires me, it takes me away and back to earlier times where I could sit outside on the deck and bask in it’s glory. It’s giving me flashbacks.

It was only months ago mind you but that time will soon be here again, Spring, a time of rebirth and freshening, not only of the land but of our spirits. A time of new beginnings.

But hey, I don’t want to rush away from this time, the present. To do so would be unfair and not keeping with good practice. I have learned that I must enjoy the present, be in the moment, this time happens only once.

“You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future”
– Unknown

I’m not sure who wrote that but it pretty well sums it up.

So I will enjoy the sun now, I will appreciate the day and what it brings while remembering the good times. Those good times will come again. I will be back outside, perhaps lamenting the heat, but taking solace in the shade with a cool drink. I may have flashbacks then too, but for now I will enjoy now. The past is gone and the future will be here soon enough.

Acting, Not Being

Acting, Not Being

In my last post “Well Lit, Dark Place” I talked about being in a dark place, about being emotionally alone or socially disconnected.  Perhaps my comments and the title were a bit misleading as the intent of the comment was much more figurative than actual.  I’m not really in such as dark place as was interpreted, more a place that is dark in the sense that I wish I were not there, alone and feeling I’m without connection to others.

I refered to Dexter, the main character of television series about a disturbed man, his emotional pain being the result of witnessing his mother butchered (literally).  A quote from Wikipedia describes it like this:

 “Dexter believes that he has no emotions, and he has to work non-stop to appear normal and blend in with the other people around him”.

I must make it clear though, it’s only some of these similarities with Dexter I can relate to, I (in no possible way) feel like I need to go out and murder or hurt someone, including myself.  I just feel disconnected

I can play the part though, I can act happy when not, or put on a friendly face when I don’t feel it, and that is what concerns me.  People have no more of an idea of who I really am than I do.  I often feel numb, unable to connect with those near me, scared to reveal who I really am or what I truly feel. I’m in disguise. It’s like I have a secret identity, like a super hero, except I’m not ‘super’.

I sometimes lack true emotion yet at other times I have more emotion, more happiness or sadness than I can bear. Am I blocking the real, continous feeling to prevent myself from being hurt? Where does this come from? Why?  Where am I going?

Some time back I wrote a post about adapting, this is something my counselor Gloria informed me of.  Essentially adapting is putting on a front, or becoming like a chameleon and changing your stripes to fit the environment.  Adapting to the circumstances and putting on a front whether you truly feel it or not.  The trouble is that Adapting can be exhausting.  Perhaps this is partially why I often prefer being alone, no adapting required.

I’m think I’m hiding, hiding in plain site, unable to reach out.  That’s why I feel like I’m in the dark, but recognizing and accepting it provides illumination.

Away, But Not Gone

Away, But Not Gone

I am here, but not. Wanting but not having. Feeling but not saying. Alone but not lonely.
– me

I feel upside down sometimes, need change
I feel upside down sometimes, need change

It’s been some time since my last post. This sounds suspiciously like the preamble to a confession, where I enter the confessional and spill my sordid deeds to the priest. Tisn’t though.  First off I’m not Catholic and don’t really believe confessing my sins to another man carries any weight. My sins are between me and my God, or whatever Deity you may choose to believe in. But that’s just me, you have your beliefs and I have mine.

No, it’s only my ‘confession’ to you, my loyal readers.  Those that chose to follow my ramblings, to see where this lunatic would take you, and perhaps get the odd chuckle or maybe a thought provoking idea.  I love you for that, I truly do.  My confession today is about my blogging.

I know I’ve been remiss.  Many times I grabbed my laptop, or my iPhone, and thought “you know, I should post something”.  The rubber never hit the road, as they say, I never followed through with the thought.  Hope was not a plan.

I am ok though, I haven’t had a fall nor fallen ill.  I’ve just been busy, and where I realize you should never be too busy to write I guess the drive to do that, to write, just carried less weight than the other things going on in my life.  In actuality I’ve been feeling pretty good.  I’m still on a reduced dosage of my meds and looking to get off completely in a month or so (whenever I run out of pills). No, I’ve been busy with ‘life’.

We just got back from Hawaii, my wife and I, along with our daughter and her family.  We were enjoying the sun and surf, sightseeing, bonding (maybe too much bonding), and just generally trying to relax.  I took just over 650 photos, most of my grandson Madden, and have all those to deal with yet. What a problem to have.

Also just prior to our departure on Nov.29th I purchased a domain name and began setting up a website.  Since our return I’ve been fixated on getting that to a point where I feel ok with it, and then I began setting up an online gallery for all my photos.  This required more software acquisition, installation, and set up.  I’ve also become reacquainted with some family members and have had my interest in genealogy rekindled.  So many things to do, so little time.

So the long and short of it is that my focus has been oriented toward ‘other’ of my many interests.  Somehow in this cornucopia of things I like to do I still need to find that balance, a moderation of all things enjoyable.  Til then I deal with my passions in the only way I know how, to try and do them all.

Cheers

Re-Inventing “About Me” – Rev. 1.1

Re-Inventing “About Me” – Rev. 1.1

Don’t reinvent the wheel, just realign it.
– Anthony J. D’Angelo

People who cannot invent and reinvent themselves must be content with borrowed postures, secondhand ideas, fitting in instead of standing out.
– Warren G. Bennis

The only thing new is you finding out about something. Like nothing’s really new, but you reinvent it for yourself and find your inner voice.
– Mike Watt

We must reinvent a future free of blinders so that we can choose from real options.
– David Suzuki

I feel upside down sometimes, need change

For awhile now I’ve been unhappy with my “About Me” page.  It’s not that it said anything inaccurate, it just didn’t say what I wanted it to say, or how I wished to say it.  I created it when I was at a different place in my life.  I wanted to re-invent it I guess.

Does that make any sense?

I also updated the title, I left the “SkiDaddy” (for now) but removed the “Examining Myself – Through Depression”.  I may play with different tag-lines, and perhaps a new theme.

Partly these changes are due to the old “first impression” concept, when people come to your post/blog they will get a first impression from whatever they see or read first.  If they like it they may come back, if not …… then likely they won’t.  I’m hoping for the first choice.

I could say it doesn’t really matter because I only write this for myself, and that would be largely true, however I wouldn’t be really honest if I said that was all.  I believe on some level many of us also write for others.

So ‘nuf said, if interested you can save a step by going here.

Out of Touch

Out of Touch

I’ve been bad lately, not posting, certainly not posting as regularly as I should. Not a good blogger at all. At any rate I’ve been traveling a bit and am currently on Vancouver Island, in Victoria.

20120921-180802.jpgToday we visited Ogden point and breakwater. I love getting out, fresh sea air and autumn sun. A dream.

Lost in Time – July 16 Camping

Lost in Time – July 16 Camping

I will have to ramble again. My time is likely short and I feel lost, lost in time.

20120716-205316.jpgI’m alone for the present, I chose to stay back while others went to the beach. My options are: puttering about the site, reading, or posting. At this point in my free time I’ve chosen to blog, although because I’m ADHD I’ve tried to do all 3 and just just finished up with blogging.

My daughter and her family left yesterday morning but my sister-in-law, her husband, their daughter (my Neice) and her husband and 3 kids are still camping next to us. In addition my wife’s cousin and her 3 kids have also been camping in Herald and have just relocated their tent to the site next to the family.

I don’t want to sound like a stuck record but the activity is, at times, overwhelming. I’ve noticed that even my wife, who espouses the “gotta spend time with the family” philosophy has even retreated on a few occasions to her “castle”, which at present is the trailer. It seems even she is not immune to the vagaries of this camping life.

“Teach me to behave sincerely and reasonable toward every member of my family and all other human beings, that I may not cause confusion and sorrow to anyone.” -Unknown

I feel for my nephew who at times strikes me as being a bit submerged in the activities on any particular day. We have similar needs I suspect and where I have the ability (read luxury) to temporarily depart the hubbub I don’t know that he does. Or he may have the ability but like me on so many occasions cannot muster up the “stones” to do so.

I’ve lost my “alone time” and will have to wrap it up. The time is lost again, perhaps I’ll find it tomorrow.

Lights out, cya