Tag: Medication dosage

Hat in Hand

Hat in Hand

Once again I come with hat in hand, writing with no idea what words will pour forth, I have an idea of what I want to say but not how to say it. I come begging that the thoughts will somehow magically appear on the page.

The last little while I’ve felt decidedly cranky, my skin don’t fit as it were. I’m often ‘crusty’ and I don’t really know why.

I’m concerned it may be some type of relapse or just a general deterioration in the meds ability to adjust my moods. I’m more than a little uneasy that perhaps my depression is rearing it’s ugly head again.

Prior to this I have felt good for quite some time and the latest decline in my mood is troubling. It’s not that I have thoughts of suicide or anything quite so dramatic, I just have a general malaise, my mood is depressed and I feel a titch unhappy and even a little sad at times.

Case in point, about a week ago or so I had to strongly discipline our 3 year old granddaughter Ivy. She was in ‘a mood’, perhaps like me, and was having some challenges listening. She was overtly disobedient and challenging our authority, she was at times very disrespectful and spitting at me and saying unkind things toward me. In the end I carried her into the other room and had to restrain her, her kicking and hitting out of her control.

She reacted very guardedly toward me after that. For days she would not come near me and looked at me with fear and distrust on her face. It saddened me immensely. I felt as if I’d lost her.

Happy ending to the story however is that on our last visit she has come around. She comes easily to me and treats me loving once again. I feel somewhat whole.

My point, I think, is that under normal circumstances this wouldn’t have bothered me so. This reaction, my sadness and dismay at her apparent withdrawal of love, is more typical of BM (before meds). I was much more sensitive to any emotional triggers and less able to cope in what I thought was a normal fashion. Perhaps even my reaction to her disobedience was not in tune with ‘normal’.

Bottom line is I don’t feel as well as I’d like to. I’m considering self medicating and upping the dose of my medication. I’m on a very small amount as is, only 5 mg, and I could easily double that. Is that the issue though?

Perhaps exercise (or lack of) is the key. The weather may be a factor as well because here in the Okanagan we are seeing many days with significant smoke in the skies. There are fires all around the province and temperatures are at all time highs. Certainly environmental factors must be considered.

In the end I will hold the course I think, I will monitor my feelings and endeavour to continue with self awareness. It might be nothing…..it might be something, but it is a ‘thing’.

Dad's Day is Here Again

Dad's Day is Here Again

Today is a “Dad” day, where I will pick him up and we will do something.  In this case it’s his Eye Specialist appointment, and we’ve only been waiting for a couple months.  I shouldn’t make it sound like a negative thing, I guess here in BC waiting for specialists of any kind is commonplace and to expect otherwise would be hopeful.  I had to rattle the optometrists cage a bit in order to get the referral, they said the appropriate documentation was sent from their end but it seemed an inordinate amount before I could get a confirmation from the specialist.  At any rate it is done now and we will get his eyes checked this afternoon.

Afterwards we will meet with my wife and we’ll do the dinner thing.  It’s been a while since she’s seen Dad, she’s just busy with other things when my other Dad visits come around.  We both want to try and maximize our visits with him, hard to say how much longer we’ll have him.

I’m curious as to which direction the specialist will go with Dad, being as he’s 81.  One position could be to say “hey, he’s 81 and had a good life, why do anything”, but a more humane or human direction would be to say “hey, he’s 81 and had a good life, let’s fix him up and make the last years better”.  Stay tuned for the answer in the next episode.

I’ve been feeling a bit better now my medication dosage has been bumped up.  Still not up to where I was a couple months ago, from a feelins’ and emotions point of view, but better than a week or 2 ago.  Is it the meds or is it something else, like weather, diet, lack of exercise or daylight?  I just know I felt pretty shitty emotionally, wanting to cry at times and generally unhappy.  Hell of a way to live.

I see Gloria, my therapist, tomorrow.  I don’t know what we’ll talk about, perhaps we’ll discuss the online quiz I took about “My Top Strengths”, from the book “Strengths Finder 2.0”.  I don’t recall if I mentioned them previously but the results came out to “Connectedness, Intellection, Empathy, Individualization, and Strategic”.  I’m not sure what I think of the results, nor could I explain them in 20 words or less, but it was an interesting process to complete and hopefully I can take one nugget from it….

So bottom line there’s nothing profound to report, I wish I could say something you’d go “Wow” about but not today.  Stay tuned for further revelations.