Tag: Medication

Slip Slidin' away, Back into the Pit of Despair

Slip Slidin' away, Back into the Pit of Despair

It has been a hard couple of weeks, probably more like 6 or so when I think about it. I’ve been sliding back into that dark place, that psychological arena I was in closer to the beginning of the year, the place where there is little optimism, where dark moods prevail and it seems like life itself is being sucked out of you.  I’ll call it a relapse into depression, where for me at least it makes itself known in loss of sleep and an undercurrent of anger.  I had, or have, no energy or enthusiasm towards those things I know I enjoy, hate my job more than normal, and frequently want to cry.  ‘Tis a sad state of affairs and I fear I’m falling into the pit of despair.

I’ve mentioned this mood, the early symptoms and my fears, to Gloria.  As my counselor, or therapist, she has been charged with the task of guiding me through this maze of despondent life, bringing me toward the light and helping me understand the tools I require to remain successful in my travel toward wellness.  But psychological tools are not enough, and I felt perhaps some change in my medication was in order as well.  I wanted to increase my meds immediately but thought my Dr. should be onboard.  She agreed, and a visit with my Doctor was scheduled.

In the interim there were things I thought I should try, simple things that may have a positive effect and at the very least could not hurt.  Knowing I am sensitive to the changes in light, and the winter season gives me the “blues” I broke out my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) light and began sitting in front of it as I ate my breakfast before work.  I hadn’t really been noticing any of the typical symptoms I normally experienced with this condition, such as being excessively tired after dinner, nor the sweet tooth that drove me to eat large bowls of ice cream or other sugary treats, but what the hey, it can only help right?  But to no avail, no real improvement and I was deparately waiting for my visit to my GP.

The big day finally arrived, I explained my feelings and fears to the Dr. and he agreed to support me by increasing the dosage of my meds.  He renewed my prescription and I now take 45 mg of Mirtazapine, up from the 30 mg I have been taking since the beginning.

It’s been a couple days now, I think I’m feeling better although the true test will be my sleep patterns, if I sleep continuously through the night or wake up 2 or 3 times as has been the case lately.  I will try to remain optimistic, and the fact I even think of optimism is in itself a good sign.  Wish me luck, I am hopeful if for no other reason that I’ve felt like writing.  I am looking to blogging as a tool, another in my arsenal that can help me out of this hole, a ladder to help me climb out of this pit of despair.

Stuck in a rut, the Challenges continue

Stuck in a rut, the Challenges continue

I’m stuck in a rut, and I can’t seem to get out.  My challenge at this point is what to write.  Like so many others have expressed over time I too seem to be suffering from writers block.  What is going on??

I do have the odd moment where some concept comes to mind, something that might seem to be a “good idea” but I either forget it when the blogging time comes or I just brush it off and say “I just don’t feel like it”.  This is so indicative of my history that it pains me,  I feel a bit angry at myself, disappointed, and perhaps a few other emotions to boot.

During the last visit with my counselor we talked a bit about this trait, and where she feels it’s best not to stress about it I feel somewhat different.  In my mind I’ve suffered a bit of a set back, I’ve reverted to some of my old ways, I’ve regressed.  Do you notice the negative thread here?  Therein lies part of the problem I think, some of the negativity is returning.  Is my depression coming back, or whatever the correct terminology is?  I’m wondering if an increase in my meds is warranted, or is it all in my mind, figuratively speaking of course.  She counsels me to wait a bit and if I see no improvement in a couple months or so then see my doctor.  I just want to feel like doing this, getting back to writing my stuff, getting out of this rut.

Today's a Good Day

Today's a Good Day

I feel pretty good today, better than yesterday for sure. For whatever reason when I awoke yesterday morning I felt angry again. It was sort of an underlying anger, not a “punch the wall” anger, but a strong enough emotion that it was noticable that early in my day.  It’s hard to say why I felt that way, although I had forgotten to take my meds the night before but I wouldn’t think one day would set me back the way it did.  I promptly took my pill after I got up.

Underlying anger was one of the symptoms that led me to look for help.  At that time, about early Apr.2011, I went to my Doctor concerned over certain aspects of my life, sleep habits, mood, etc., he concurred with my suggestion of counseling, and he also sent me for some tests.  From there to here is a bit of a jump but essentially I was diagnosed with a mild depression, treatable with medication.  Mirtazapine was the drug of choice, 30mg the dosage.

So, back to today, I felt ‘normal” again this morning, a much improved state of mind.  With what happened yesterday morning and a general feeling my improvement has stopped I wonder if an increase in dosage is warranted.  I have a Dr. appointment next week and I can discuss with him.

I Feel Happy

I Feel Happy

Well the weirdest thing happened to me on leaving work today, I walked out into the sun and ran into Ivan.  That wasn’t the strange thing, we began chatting and I actually felt happy.  Go figure.  I do recall feeling up before meds (I’m going to call it bm) but this was almost surreal, and I can’t really articulate what the difference was, I just felt “happy”.  Now I’m sure the sun had an effect, and I’m sure going on holidays in a few days also helps, but that be grand if that was real life?

So kind of a depressing talk last night about buying a truck. We just don’t have the money, and therein is the source of the sadness.  Certainly it is not debilitating but money talk  always brings me down.

Also a bit sad when I stopped in at BP on the way home, Jordon made a comment about my folks.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him about Larry. I really miss the old fart.  As an FYI he was my stepfather, who passed away untimely in March. Still hard to believe he’s gone -tears-.

Little Progress

Little Progress

I have been writing but my thoughts have been put into the uncategorized page, I haven’t found anything noteworthy to jot about for this blog, relating to my “condition” that is.

We had a fire last night and James, Leah and Kyra came over.  We are camping as I mentioned in the other blog.  I’d had a few beers prior to dinner and opened a bottle of wine to have with my steak.  I continued to drink that when they arrived.  Not sure why I mention this, certainly doesn’t seem particularly noteworthy.  The point I was slowly getting to was that when it came around midnight and everyone left I went directly to bed, forgetting to take my pill.  First time I’d done that.  I realized this morning and took it then.  I thought perhaps I’d notice some effect.  G had said that I may notice some dizziness if I went off but other than feeling a bit shitty from the wine I felt ok.