Tag: Love

Hat in Hand

Hat in Hand

Once again I come with hat in hand, writing with no idea what words will pour forth, I have an idea of what I want to say but not how to say it. I come begging that the thoughts will somehow magically appear on the page.

The last little while I’ve felt decidedly cranky, my skin don’t fit as it were. I’m often ‘crusty’ and I don’t really know why.

I’m concerned it may be some type of relapse or just a general deterioration in the meds ability to adjust my moods. I’m more than a little uneasy that perhaps my depression is rearing it’s ugly head again.

Prior to this I have felt good for quite some time and the latest decline in my mood is troubling. It’s not that I have thoughts of suicide or anything quite so dramatic, I just have a general malaise, my mood is depressed and I feel a titch unhappy and even a little sad at times.

Case in point, about a week ago or so I had to strongly discipline our 3 year old granddaughter Ivy. She was in ‘a mood’, perhaps like me, and was having some challenges listening. She was overtly disobedient and challenging our authority, she was at times very disrespectful and spitting at me and saying unkind things toward me. In the end I carried her into the other room and had to restrain her, her kicking and hitting out of her control.

She reacted very guardedly toward me after that. For days she would not come near me and looked at me with fear and distrust on her face. It saddened me immensely. I felt as if I’d lost her.

Happy ending to the story however is that on our last visit she has come around. She comes easily to me and treats me loving once again. I feel somewhat whole.

My point, I think, is that under normal circumstances this wouldn’t have bothered me so. This reaction, my sadness and dismay at her apparent withdrawal of love, is more typical of BM (before meds). I was much more sensitive to any emotional triggers and less able to cope in what I thought was a normal fashion. Perhaps even my reaction to her disobedience was not in tune with ‘normal’.

Bottom line is I don’t feel as well as I’d like to. I’m considering self medicating and upping the dose of my medication. I’m on a very small amount as is, only 5 mg, and I could easily double that. Is that the issue though?

Perhaps exercise (or lack of) is the key. The weather may be a factor as well because here in the Okanagan we are seeing many days with significant smoke in the skies. There are fires all around the province and temperatures are at all time highs. Certainly environmental factors must be considered.

In the end I will hold the course I think, I will monitor my feelings and endeavour to continue with self awareness. It might be nothing…..it might be something, but it is a ‘thing’.

Maddy and Mom

Maddy and Mom

Not being as organized as I could be perhaps I did not make it to my journal this morning. I may write in it later but for now this will have to suffice.

After a quick breakfast and some endearing words to my wife I loaded up the truck and went off to help a friend disassemble an old tin shed. After taking it to it’s new location at the dump I returned home for lunch and to pack a couple days worth of clothes for a short trip to Kelowna. This is one of the blessings that an early retirement can afford you, spontaneous trips to see grandchildren.

Photo 2012-04-26 10 25 43 PM
Madden and Mom

We are off to see our new grandson, his Mommy and Daddy too of course, and I can’t wait to hold him in my arms. It’s amazing what kind of an impact a new baby can have on you, especially a grandchild. The yearning you feel for them when they are away from you is difficult to describe. I’ve often heard that exact thing said but until the occasion occurs in your family, and to your daughter, it doesn’t really sink in. He has just attached himself to our hearts and the pull that he generates over us is indescribable.

We will take over most of the night feedings while we are there, giving both parents an opportunity to catch up on their sleep. Until he sleeps a little longer during the night the frequent feedings will take their toll on Mom and Dad. It’s something we have all gone through but we want to be as supportive as possible and take as much of the strain off them as we can. They will also be able to go out on a date night, another experience that will take place less frequently and will be more appreciated. We are not doing this only for them as we have our ulterior motives as well. Any time we can spend with the baby will be time well spent.

“Time spent laughing is time well spent.”
J.C. Phillipps, Wink: The Ninja Who Wanted to be Noticed

Sadness Felt, and Loss of Closeness

Sadness Felt, and Loss of Closeness

It’s often interesting to me how the written word, and often other benign media, can have such an impact on ones mood, in this case bringing me to sadness.  It’s not only the sadness of loss, which I certainly feel, but the sadness of loves felt and missed.

The book I’m reading, fiction in this case, is Stephen King’s “Duma Key” about a construction magnate who after becoming seriously injured moves to Duma Key in Florida and takes up painting.  He produces paintings with an ethereal quality that in the end reflect past events on the Key.  The most significant of those is the drownings of twin girls many years in the past.  He sees later how that occurrence in the past has the potential to impact his 2 daughters lives in the present.  Anyway he often refers to his one daughter in particular and it’s that reference that often brings me to the brink of tears.

It draws the love from me for my daughter Ay, but not drawing it out in the sense that it was not there, certainly not, but taking that overwhelming love and drawing it out to where it’s hard to contain.  In the story the man’s daughter expresses her love freely and openly and that is something I yearn for, and miss in my relationship.  Where I know Ay loves me she seems to have that trait exhibited by many on my side of the family that makes it difficult for them to express love in the conventional sense.  It hurts and brings me sadness to not know her love in that way.

G has often asked me if our loss of Shawn has caused me unresolved emotions like grief, or anger I guess, emotions I can’t or won’t allow or admit to.  I have always answered no, but now I wonder if this loss of demonstrated love from Ay is accentuated by Shawns death, as if somehow now I need more reassurance or confirmation. Things that make you go “hmmmm”.