Tag: Journal

Wake up and Smell the Roses

Wake up and Smell the Roses

The title for this post is a mis-quote by a chap I used to work with, we called them Tommy’isms and there were a few. This one is a cross between “Wake up and smell the coffee” and “Stop and smell the roses” and it came to mind after reading a post by RCGale called “Writers seem to be writing about the things they feel they ought to be writing about, and not the things that obsess them”. The post resonated with me because that particular challenge is one I currently face and struggle with almost every time I post. It seems to be so prevalent in my blogging life I’ve posted about it before.

The original intent for me was to record what I was thinking and feeling on any given day and somehow make some sense of it. By journalling I wanted to provide something to others, to show readers (if there were any) that they were not alone, there was at least one other person out there who thought the same as them or was experiencing the same or similar things. Somehow, in some subtle way, it morphed into being more about the writing and less about the “why”.

I still have the challenges and I have taken Ross’s post as reminder that the writing should be from “the heart”, with the purpose of expressing ones thoughts and feelings, and not for the sole reason to collect readership and in many cases increase sales. That’s not to say that books written for that purpose are somehow wrong or mis-guided, the author need only be clear in their own mind what their intent is.

So in order to accommodate both purposes (because I’m all about pleasing everyone) I will try to remember my original goal and write from my gut, but do it in a pleasing and palatable way that makes it a “good read”. After all, if it’s not easy to read and enjoyable what’s the point, right? Please let me know what you think.

Ennui, Now there’s a Word

Ennui, Now there’s a Word

I just “re” learned a word, “ennui”, meaning (from the Free Dictionary) “a listlessness and dissatisfaction, resulting from lack of interest; boredom”.  That pretty much sums up my state of affairs, I’m ennuied.

photo from http://workplacepsychology.net
photo from http://workplacepsychology.net

Nothing much has changed here since my last post (yesterday), there has been no discussion nor questions by my Manager as to what I’m doing or when I’m doing it.  I’m operating in a vacuum on that side.  I told myself that I would try to maintain an ongoing diary of my last days so this is my purpose in posting this drivel, Some day I’ll be able to look back and gain a understanding of my past life.  I don’t know if this can help anyone else but who knows.

I have actually considered making another appointment with my counselor, I haven’t seen her for quite a while and there have been a few changes in my life, most notably a grandson and imminent retirement.  Neither of these were at hand when we last met and I think she’d be interested.  I’ve also changed the dosage on my meds (self adjusted as it were) and that may be of interest to her as well.  She was the one who suggested I write, not a blog mind you but in a paper journal.  So here I am.  I’m also thinking retirement may help me keep my mood on track and my hope is to get off drugs all together.  The whole mood thing has me a bit baffled and is it just my sunny (or otherwise) disposition or some other chemi/psycho issue.  Mostly I just think I’m weird but the verdict could be out on that.

My writing was initially a means to an end, a way to track my progress and if I developed any readership then my postings may mean something to them.  We all want to help others, right?  So I’ve blogged, sometimes faithfully and sometimes periodically, and found I’ve enjoyed it.  It’s helped me avoid some boredom, I’m less indifferent, it’s given me a bit of a purpose different than family and outside of household repairs.  Soon I can focus solely on all these things.  I’ll be de-Ennuied.

Subversive Writing

Subversive Writing

For some time now I’ve been maintaining a daily journal, mostly of just this’n that with no real topics or orientation.  I’ve done it for a couple reasons, originally because my therapist suggested I do it to keep a record of how I feel on any given day and can then see improvement or changes over time.  The second reason came about later after reading a book about writing, and how it’s important to write regularly in order to keep the juices flowing (my words).

So while the act of writing is both therapeutic and motivational it can sometimes feel subversive, particularly if I’m doing it with others in the room.  Why the hell is that?  It seems to occur mostly when doing my morning journal, like somehow whatever I’m writing is wrong or perhaps speaking against whoever is in the room.  Too weird.  I suspect it is just an indication of a personal hang up, and one that I’ll beat down, you can count on that.  I am getting better at writing at any time, and will continue to journal regardless of location.  The only subversion that’s taking place is if I stop.

A Fire in the Hole

A Fire in the Hole

I wish I could say I’m back with a vengeance and there’s a Fire in the Hole but that would only be wishful thinking. It’s been nigh on one month since I’ve shared anything with you and and while the holidays can take a portion of the blame it’s really only my own apathy and a general personal malaise that are responsible.  There is a pent up desire though and look out if and when it explodes.

My meds have been boosted and I had high hopes, dreams that I would once again be whole and ready to do my blogging best to spill my guts. It just never happened.  If it’s the depression I’m not sure, but I don’t feel appreciably better and my passion for the blog has waned.  It is sad that I’m saying this, and I know in my gut and in my head that while it may be true, it truely isn’t, if that makes any sense.  It’s true that right now I don’t have the passion to blog but It’s also true I want the passion to do just that.  I think/hope I can get it back, I believe I have the knack for this and I’ll do my utmost to get back my fire.

On a positive note I have been maintaining my personal journal, all hand written, and my proverbial guts are spilled there, but you haven’t the opportunity to read that now do you?  Maybe it’s for the better as it is mostly a routine bitch fest and not really the least bit entertaining I don’t think.  Here at least I have the opportunity to provide some entertainment (hopefully) and even something thought provoking, maybe stimulating.

So I’ll work on getting this fuse lit.  I hope the powder’s dry and the winds of malaise don’t overpower me.  If I can keep it going we’ll see some action, if not……..stay tuned.

Journaling vs Idle drivel

Journaling vs Idle drivel

This is a “bi-authored” post if there is such a thing. What i mean by that is I began posting something of what I was seeing, some of my current experience in the Winnipeg airport, and try to relate it in a “colorful” fashion. I soon realized it have little to do with my Journalling” or didn’t think it did. Hence I began again with a new post here with the idea of clarifying my thoughts. The problem now is that neither is getting completed, boarding has been announced, and I feel no closer to accomplishing my original goal. I’m leaving too many posts incomplete, it’s something I need to work on, an improvement in my learning I can seek.

Hard to be motivated, I hate my job!

Hard to be motivated, I hate my job!

For as good as I feel at home, generally speaking, I feel just about as crappy at work.  Really hard to be motivated and want to do a good job.  Whine, whine, whine.  I should be glad to have a job right?

I just learned yesterday that the person that was hired to replace me in my old position is now leaving himself.  I haven’t talked to him about this but I predicted this event months ago.  The organization is not able to fix whatever fundamental problems it has, and in this case they thought that by replacing me they would fix the problem.  Unfortunately I was not the problem.  One of the biggest problems that they have is that they don’t realize, or don’t understand the severity of, the problem(s) they do have.  One example is their employ of me, I’m a fairly sharp guy but they a) either don’t realize it, or b) they know and don’t care, or c) they know and care but don’t know what to do with me.  Any one of these options has a fix.  The single biggest issue we have as a company is our ineffective usage of our largest resource, human capital.

Anyway……I wrote in my paper journal this morning how my hand-writing had improved and I chalk it up to practicing, by writing more and more (by hand).  The same goes for physical exercise, the more you do the more you can do.  Even my Dad commented on that yesterday, how he finds it hard to walk but if he actually got out and did it more then it would be easier when he did.  Makes sense, no?  Anyway it also applies to our brains, the more we use/exercise them the easier it becomes TO use them and the stronger it gets.  This is not rocket science here. I am working on that part and I think improving.

This applies to my blogging also, rather than entering drivel put something down that can exercise our brains.  Hmmm, what to write.

I hope we can go out and get a campsite after work tonight, even though I’ll have to commute to work from there it will still be like camping part of the time, and that’s better than not camping at all.  It allows me to disconnect mentally somehow, to pretend I have another life, one where work doesn’t intrude.  Alas, retirement seems so far away.

Blog/Journal name

Blog/Journal name

On a lark, as I do with so many things, I Googled “SkiDaddy Blog” and came up with a number of Blogs with the creator as being SkiDaddy, and certainly not me.  It only leads me to think I should have a different moniker, one that more reflects who I am.  I will have some challenges doing this but lets get off to the right foot eh?

Another Late post

Another Late post

It’s been a while since I last posted, almost a week.  Mostly we’ve just been on the road but there have been periods with no cell service as well. Poor excuses all really.  G says I shouldn’t worry about not journalling every day but if this blog does become read it’s important to be consistent, or followers may drop it.  I suppose that’s a minor concern and really the issue is my being consistent.

Aside – I’ve begun rereading the book “Emotional Alchemy” and it has refocussed my attention.  I have slipped in a number of my interactions and some of my responses to others are becoming inappropriate in that I’m snapping and being short.  I do this in reaction to comments being made by them, to or around me.  I can do better.  Typically my shortness is with my wife Mo, and where I find her comments lead me to react in a certain fashion she is not deserving of my shortness with her, nor any rudeness I may feel to obliged to treat her with.

The current chapter in the book is comparing the progress and setbacks one encounters as being analogous to one’s journey through drug or other chemical addictions, often making significant progress and then suffering setbacks.  It states, as far as brain function goes, there is a parallel between emotional habits and addictions.  It has to do with the dopamine balance in parts of the brain, and the quantity of receptors that are in use.

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Update on Dad, he’s been taken back to emergency complaining of hallucinations.  I feel very torn, on the one hand feeling very concerned for him and what to become of him, on the other tired of the frequent hospital visits. And that makes me feel bad, rather I feel badly of myself thinking that way.  I don’t feel like the shining example of a son that I’m seen to be by some others.  But hey this shouldn’t be about me, he is the one that is potentially on his last legs .  But hey again this is my blog and IS supposed to be about me and my feelings of the things that are happening to and around me.

Am I Sick? Visit with Gloria

Am I Sick? Visit with Gloria

You know I don’t feel sick but perhaps, and this is likely so, that is the nature of the illness. That is why people stop taking meds, they feel ok and believe they are now well and no longer require them.  The same applies to schizophrenia and other mental illnesses. I feel ok but must maintain the course.

I’m having my appt with G now, of course I had something to ask her which I’ve now forgotten.  I had a note in my paper journal but neglected to refresh my memory before coming.  Very aggravating.  I will have make note on my phone next time.

I think I mentioned that Ay may be pregnant, she had more tests this afternoon and it looks good.