Tag: handwritten journal

I Think I’m Feelin’ Better

I Think I’m Feelin’ Better

I think I’m over the mood hump, I hope so, pretty sure I’m feeling better.

The days have cooled down a touch to the mid 30’s, that Celsius folks, and while it is still pretty hot outside we have gained control over the temperature inside the house.  At least somewhat anyway.  Most of this is accomplished by the judicious use of window blinds (outside of the windows preferably), and the opening and closing of doors and windows at the optimum times (temperature and direction dependent).  Doing that we can keep the inside of the house at the mid to high 20’s.  Still not “cool” but certainly cooler than outside.

We’ve never had an air conditioner and I’m beginning to think one would be a good investment.  It would be one of those things you wouldn’t use often but when you want it you REALLY want it.  Still something we are pondering.

Whether the weather (cool play on words huh) was the key to my slump or just one of many factors I don’t know but realizing my past experiences (read that as moody bastard) I would suspect it wasn’t the only one.  Why I seem to experience this swing of moods might be something a team of doctors could look into but my team isn’t available right now and they aren’t returning calls.

I shouldn’t have to look far for the answer to this quandary as the more I think about it, the more I go back in time to the earlier stages of my diagnosis, the more clear the answer to the question becomes.  Could it really be…….just the depression?

If I look back in my handwritten journal, even perhaps some of my earlier posts, I would clearly see one of the benefits I noticed after beginning the meds was the “even-ness” of my moods, a more level experience of life without the ups and downs of good days and bad.  In short I felt better.  It’s just that I don’t want to be on ANY meds, the taking of drugs itself or the having to take drugs is what I think I rally against.  Dumb perhaps, but it’s how I feel.  I think nothing of medicating myself with a drink or two, that is somehow ok, but having to be on medication to be normal?  That hurts me.  What fickle beings we are.

As I sit here in the shade on my deck, the cool breeze wafting through and tickling the wind chimes, I become sad.  This is one of my happy places and yet I feel low, depressed in mood and energy, lacking the full enjoyment of my place or lot in life.  An unfortunate state of affairs.

But I can do something about it, and I will.  If nothing else I will get up and go for a walk.  Exercise is something that’s been lacking in my routine lately.  I’ll do it, here I go, I’m feelin’ better already.

Morning pages

Morning pages

I’m going to try something new this morning, in fact at least a couple things.  The first thing I’ve tried and just completed was writing my “Morning Pages” within 30 minutes of my getting up. Now for those of you who don’t know, morning pages are essentially a handwritten journal prepared every morning and topics include anything and everything under the sun.  The goal is to just write, to open up your creative side.

 It’s an idea proposed by a writer named Julia Cameron in a few of her books on writing.  At any rate I typically only do it weekdays, once I get to work and have a few moments of solitude before my day starts.  So I am trying to do it on the weekends now too, and I’ve been moderately successful.  If I leave it too late however the day begins, and once my wife wakes up the activity in the house picks up, thus making it more challenging for me to focus.  A topic for another day.  So I brewed a cup of Joe and began.

Once my morning pages were completed my blog came next to mind.  It also has been neglected of late, or perhaps not neglected but certainly not given the attention it deserves.  So here I am.  I’ve repositioned myself in my easy chair so I can see outside, my laptop at the ready and the ideas waiting to pour forth.  Well, maybe not.  Certainly the view outside is nice, it is inspiring, and the idea has the romanticism that I expected, but the inspiration for a topic is a little more elusive.

There are times when I imagine myself doing this routinely, sitting with a cup of coffee, drinking it and the taking in morning sun simultaneously.  It’s cathartic I find, it does help me with some of my personal issues.  I can express myself in a way that I have few other opportunities to do so.  I’m not the most social person, nor can I talk to just anyone, but I can write and doing so frees me in a number of ways.

The day is gray, it seems the hint of spring we’ve seen a few days ago is now lost to us again.  Living in this valley as we do I find the weather somewhat oppressive, we get more fog and cloud than many other areas and those conditions aggravate any Seasonal disorders that I may have.  That poor mood may come out in my posts, and for that I apologize.  Improving my moods and general emotional condition is partly what this blog is about.

At any rate I find myself rambling.  Words pour forth that have no real meaning.  Perhaps it’s too much coffee, maybe the writing moment has passed.  I will sign off for now, bidding you adieu, and I’ll see you another day.