Tag: Gloria

Can't pull myself away

Can't pull myself away

I’m sitting here, along with my wife, in front of the tv and wanting something different. Why can’t I pull myself away? I’m obviously not watching, but I am still hearing the dialogue and still taking in some of the goings on, enough that I know my focus is not on what I am doing. I am literally of two minds. One is listening (partially) to the tv and the other working on this blog.

In light of what I said in my last post about intensity I must be daft. It takes me back to school days where I would argue that I could watch tv and study at the same time. It is draining me on some level and much like watching a horror movie I can’t pull myself away.

I was talking to the Assisted Living Coordinator at Dads new home the other day and found her comments interesting regarding her work/home life balance. She was running pillar to post at work and I asked her if it was always like that, and what does she do to come down when she goes home?  She said she loves to read but when she gets home she’s too up, too wired to relax and take up a book. I can totally relate. Gloria thought perhaps in my case it’s because at work I adapt, essentially putting up a facade or front between me and work life. Unfortunately it requires energy to do so, much like a forcefield requires energy to maintain it’s shield. Then of course when I get home the forcefield comes down but my batteries are drained.

So here we are, full circle, at home with drained batteries and unable to pull myself away from the mindless sponge of television. Woe is me!

To adapt, or not to adapt, That is the question.

To adapt, or not to adapt, That is the question.

I’m looking forward to the weekend, and it’s only hours away now.  We are camping about 20 min. away and I’ve been commuting to/from work.  It’s not as bad as I thought, the drive is quite relaxing and doesn’t take long.  I should be using the time to think deep thoughts but not much of that has come to me lately.  I must be slightly “out of sync” with the cosmic forces.

We will stay until Sunday or Monday being that Monday is a stat, and if the weather holds.  Family has been invited out on Saturday for a bar-b-que, hopefully a low key event.  I”m not much for get-togethers, my non-social side wins out in that regard.  I say non-social because I’m not against the socializing, it’s just something that I don’t often want to get involved with.  Little of the conversations stimulate or interest me and if I try to put on much of a happy face I find it very draining.  Gloria said it may be because in circumstances like that I am adapting to the situation, and it’s the effort to adapt that tires me out.  As a result I’ll often have some alcohol to chill me out, perhaps not the most appropriate response but effective.

Good Morning, as in "a good morning"

Good Morning, as in "a good morning"

Woke up feeling better this morning, always have some morning grog but it turned around after a bit and now all is good. I wasn’t feeling horrible yesterday but like my wife said it was like my knickers were too tight, I was just feeling edgy. I think a lot of it was the stress of yesterday and my dealing with Dads affairs, and associated delays and complications. I often wonder what my capacity is for stress, do I handle it well? ie does stress affect me more or less than others?

I notice the sun shining today, a cool breeze is evident now, at 8:30 am, and the potential is in the air for inclement weather. I’m not desiring to become a meteorologist only commenting on observations as G suggested I do.

I’m sitting in the waiting area, the hall, of the Radiology department waiting to go in for my CT scan. It was ordered for me in hopes of coming to conclusions about what’s going on with my lower back and thigh/groin pain. I notice the other patients both old and young, and looking out the window across the alley, over the garbage bins, I see through the opposite window the lab techs hard at work testing whatever they test. I don’t know that my observation skills are particularly astute, and thinking about it these observations are not likely what G had in mind. What would probably be more appropriate would be my commenting on things in my life that I’m more aware of now than I would have been prior to my course of treatments, post meds and counseling.  Time to go in for my scan.

Ciao

Books, Motivation and what Blogging means to me.

Books, Motivation and what Blogging means to me.

Funny how books can motivate you.  Over the last number of days or even weeks I’ve had little desire to read anything other than fiction.  I’ve got Management books up the wazzoo, Self Help books and others, but recently I’ve had no desire to read them.  I think the position I’ve taken of late is that moving up the corporate ladder as it were holds no interest for me any longer.  Not that it ever did, at least not seriously, it was more that I was more interested in doing what seemed like the right thing to do, workwise.  Look where it got me, not anywhere I feel good about anyway.  So I took on a new tack, I read what I want to read which lately has been fiction.

Now, back to the point of this post, after my meeting with Gloria I began thinking of some of the books I’ve got in my library and thought I might want to read them, for me this time, not for some idealized reason of improving my lot corporately.  The other thing is that I’ve noticed that it increases my blog posts, I write more as I read more.  I come across things of interest to me, things that make me go hmmm, and hope that by my posting on them I can bring some glimmer of interest to someone else..

Now that hasn’t happened yet, the interest to someone else part, and maybe it never will.  I just need to be ok with my posting for the sake of posting, to help me understand myself, why I think a certain way or do things in the way I do.  Maybe what I see, or how I see it, that is the reason Gloria thinks I should post, what the depression and being gifted means to me.

‘Nuf’ said?

G's visit- Word for the day is Adapting, I do it all the time

G's visit- Word for the day is Adapting, I do it all the time

It appears that keeping up the posts is a bigger challenge than I’ve anticipated, maintaining a schedule should not be too hard even though I can’t seem to achieve it.

I’m just waiting now for my appt with Gloria, don’t really know what we’ll chat about and I hope it will be fruitful.

One of my frustrations is continual procrastination, and I have a book on the topic and inevitably I continue putting off reading it.  There’s something in that statement I think.  I’ll have to resurrect it I think, and in fact at one point I thought I threw it out.

We could talk more about family issues too, either the mother/daughter dynamics, my annoyance with Mo’s sister, or perhaps my Dad and the issues around him.  Likely that will come up. I think my most relative emotion there will be guilt, for not being there for him and also for not wanting to be.  That’s likely the kicker.
~~~
After visit with Gloria:

Much of the above was discussed. And….

  • possible visit with Tracy
  • visiting/socializing with others, and likely work itself, require I “adapt”.  Hearing it expressed that way opened my eyes.
  • I shouldn’t feel guilty about my taking time away from Dad care, and asking for help
  • I’m doing well in setting boundaries when it comes to socializing, in camping and at home.  Ties in with the adapting theme.
  • we talked about what gifted means, about seeing connections between things that others don’t see, or seeing them sooner.  How I/we see or perceive more things around us, are sensitive to more sensory input (my words).
  • I talked of how I feel as if I’m seen as a good listener, a trusted confidant, a wise soul, and how that can drain me, taking in others troubles with no one to talk to myself.  I now talk to Gloria of course but ultimately a peer or someone of like mind, someone I can relate to on the same level, would be preferable.  She suggests hat will likely come.
  • we talked of this blog and the direction it has, and perhaps should, take. How I want to open up but at the same time are afraid of sharing too much.

I enjoy the chats when we do get into it, the nugget this week was my “adapting” to certain circumstances, a strength but something to be aware of so as not to overdo it.  I adapt when in social circumstances, I adapt in my job, I adapt in areas which are somewhat outside my comfort zone.  The act of adapting requires the expending of energy, putting up a “persona” of sorts, possibly a forcefield on occasion.

What I want to know is why can’t I come up with this shit on my own?  I’m supposed to be a bright guy. Go figure.

And as an aside, is it (that I feel) constant validation I think Ma is looking for, judging by my take on various comments and the context she makes them in?  Draining.

Blog content, Visit with Gloria

Blog content, Visit with Gloria

If I really follow the suggestions of G as we discussed yesterday I will need to be more open, more transparent with my feelings as expressed here.  As I mentioned to her that is/will be difficult for me to do, and not that I can’t do it but it will be an openness that I have never attempted prior, in any forum personal or not.  The immediate thoughts that go through my mind are what if someone reads it and knows who I am, and then on the other hand I want someone to read it……isn’t that the purpose?  If I do put something in here that is so contentious that it may cause me problems down the road I must be aware of that and willing to accept the consequences.  That was G’s point.

What am I afraid of, why am I so resistant to putting my innermost thoughts down here?  I need to come to some conclusion, some understanding of the deeper issue(s).  If I am so articulate, as many have said, then use that skill.  Use that power to provide some insights for others that may read this.

A Good Talk with Gloria

A Good Talk with Gloria

My meeting with G was uneventful although we did talk for some time about relationships, between Ay and Mo and my connection with both.  She offered me insights on how I can communicate with them and on how to express my concerns to Mo about her relationship with Ay.  I think all her suggestions and those conclusions I’ve come to myself need to be aired, likely in this medium and my challenge will be in determining how.  That was also part of the conversation, how to utilize this forum to express my thoughts, in a way that inspires thought and queries from those that may read this.

Bottom line I need to be more open with my feelings here and be real for anyone who may digest this blog.

Am I Sick? Visit with Gloria

Am I Sick? Visit with Gloria

You know I don’t feel sick but perhaps, and this is likely so, that is the nature of the illness. That is why people stop taking meds, they feel ok and believe they are now well and no longer require them.  The same applies to schizophrenia and other mental illnesses. I feel ok but must maintain the course.

I’m having my appt with G now, of course I had something to ask her which I’ve now forgotten.  I had a note in my paper journal but neglected to refresh my memory before coming.  Very aggravating.  I will have make note on my phone next time.

I think I mentioned that Ay may be pregnant, she had more tests this afternoon and it looks good.

Little Progress

Little Progress

I have been writing but my thoughts have been put into the uncategorized page, I haven’t found anything noteworthy to jot about for this blog, relating to my “condition” that is.

We had a fire last night and James, Leah and Kyra came over.  We are camping as I mentioned in the other blog.  I’d had a few beers prior to dinner and opened a bottle of wine to have with my steak.  I continued to drink that when they arrived.  Not sure why I mention this, certainly doesn’t seem particularly noteworthy.  The point I was slowly getting to was that when it came around midnight and everyone left I went directly to bed, forgetting to take my pill.  First time I’d done that.  I realized this morning and took it then.  I thought perhaps I’d notice some effect.  G had said that I may notice some dizziness if I went off but other than feeling a bit shitty from the wine I felt ok.

The Challenges I Face

The Challenges I Face

Well wouldn’t you know it, trying to login on my laptop but it doesn’t like my multiple attempts to login, it appears I can’t remember the basic things such as my password. Duh.

My visit with G went well, she thinks a blog is a good idea and feels it may help someone. She had suggested I write, fiction was where she was headed I think but this venue fits well with my journaling.

I suppose some history would be helpful here, without some background this won’t mean much to anyone.  I’ll work on a way to integrate it.  It’s also possible that I’ll import the existing blog from Blogger, although at this stage of the game I don’t know how much value it will hold.

Depression is the subject, and my journey through it. It’s my hope this will help someone else on their journey.

I was outed, as far as the diagnosis went, back in April I think.  I didn’t feel “right” and it was nothing I could put my finger on.  I’d made a road trip last year and I felt very low during portions of my alone time.  I was thinking the D word, not death, but divorce. It was certainly nothing my wife or family would have seen coming but it was weighing heavily on my mind.  I can’t even really remember the why of it, only that it seemed like a solution at the time. I was sad…..