Tag: Counselor

Stuck in a rut, the Challenges continue

Stuck in a rut, the Challenges continue

I’m stuck in a rut, and I can’t seem to get out.  My challenge at this point is what to write.  Like so many others have expressed over time I too seem to be suffering from writers block.  What is going on??

I do have the odd moment where some concept comes to mind, something that might seem to be a “good idea” but I either forget it when the blogging time comes or I just brush it off and say “I just don’t feel like it”.  This is so indicative of my history that it pains me,  I feel a bit angry at myself, disappointed, and perhaps a few other emotions to boot.

During the last visit with my counselor we talked a bit about this trait, and where she feels it’s best not to stress about it I feel somewhat different.  In my mind I’ve suffered a bit of a set back, I’ve reverted to some of my old ways, I’ve regressed.  Do you notice the negative thread here?  Therein lies part of the problem I think, some of the negativity is returning.  Is my depression coming back, or whatever the correct terminology is?  I’m wondering if an increase in my meds is warranted, or is it all in my mind, figuratively speaking of course.  She counsels me to wait a bit and if I see no improvement in a couple months or so then see my doctor.  I just want to feel like doing this, getting back to writing my stuff, getting out of this rut.

Thoughts of Shawn… Only if.

Thoughts of Shawn… Only if.

The snow is falling, or what could be loosely described as snow. Maybe dust, white powder dust would be more appropriate, almost like large flakes of flour. The kind of dust that you barely glimpse, but can see when the sunshine catches them as it’s rays filters through the window. This same white powder fell on the day Shawn died, a day I’d not soon want to re-live.  An ethereal day.

I wrote this as I sat waiting for my appt with Gloria, my counselor, but she approached me soon after and said “Come on in Dwayne, how are you doing?”  It’s funny, the thought of Shawn, or his passing, wasn’t forefront on my mind as she asked me that question, but was only moments before.  My thoughts of him come and go, depending on circumstances and mood.

It’s coming up on 11 years since his untimely death, January 18th of 2000 to be exact.  The closer we get to that date, or his birthday in October, the more his life (and death) surface in our minds.  Often it brings back some guilt on my part, none that I’ve mentioned to Gloria though, and even though I can rationalize my way through it the nagging thoughts of “only if” are still there and still pull at my heart.  Only if, 2 isolated words that when put together have more power over us than so many others.  Only if.

Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?

This afternoon I will have another visit with Gloria, my counsellor.  I don’t really know what we’ll talk about, it always seems to be a dynamic event.  Sometimes I feel good going in and other days, well, not as good.

I wish I knew how I was supposed to feel emotionally, I mean I know I’m supposed to feel good, normal, or not bad, at least most of the time.  I also know everyone has ups and downs, good days and bad, but without the scale of where the uppermost “up” is I can only tell you where I’ve been. Sometimes that doesn’t seem very far “up”.  I do have days where I feel good, pretty good in fact, is that all there is?

After our session I’ll pick up Dad and we’ll go for dinner.  I’m thinking perhaps Chinese food, it was good the last time we had it and he enjoyed it, but he may not even remember.  I know that sounds kind of callous, but it’s also true.  He forgets more and more now and I’m surprised sometimes that he even remembers my name.  Certainly he’s forgotten when my birthday is, and maybe that’s normal all things considered, he never was a good one for dates.

It reminds me of a time when we went to a family reunion about 25 years ago.  At that time my Dad’s Mom, my grandmother, was suffering from dementia and after we arrived he went into the house to see her.  He came out a short time later and told us she didn’t know his name, she thought that he was her brother.  The similarity in looks was significant for sure but still his heart must’ve been broken.  I know mine would have been.

It's ok to cry

It's ok to cry

I had another session with Gloria tonight (my counselor) and the conversation ranged from parental parenting, as in dealing with my Dad, to latent feelings of grief and loss.  We even threw a little bit of emotional support regarding crying and “triggers” when it comes to loss, and the strong emotions that can come forward unexpectedly as a result of those triggers.  I’d  have to say it was probably one of the more enlightening sessions I’ve had in a while.

We’ve had a number of good sessions in my opinion and that comes to a bit of a surprise to me, and to admit that remembering how I felt when I went into the process some many months ago.  She will offer some insights which seem simple, basic, or fundamental at first glance but upon further analysis have many benefits and potential insights.  Who’d’ve thunk??  I hope that at some point, sooner rather than later, that I can articulate to her the gifts she’s given me.

We also talked of writing, specifically the chronicling of my adventures with Dad.  I told her “I’ve had lots of support for this, there are quite a few people encouraging me”.  Gloria said I should do it too!  “We are in the age of the baby boomers, it’s a timely topic”.  I know it is, but I confided to her that I inevitably shut myself off, I don’t allow myself to complete a project like this, I really think I must be afraid of success.  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t come up with this stuff myself.  Reading up on Giftedness among other things like procrastination has taught me this.  It’s ok she said, give yourself permission to jam out, to not complete, in that way you can complete as much as you want and come back to finish if and when you like.  Hmmm, please Lord give me strength.

Blog Name Change, and Description of Giftedness

Blog Name Change, and Description of Giftedness

The Blog name/description is new but the content will remain the same.

When I began the exercise of writing this blog I thought I would be unique and name it “My Journey through Depression”, thinking I would be a trendsetter.  Perhaps I should have googled the description beforehand as there are only about 5 million websites dealing with the same topic, many with a name very similar to the one I chose.  Who d’ve thunk?  So being the innovative guy I am I changed the description to what it is currently “Examining Myself – Depression & Being Gifted”.  Perhaps it would be wise to google this as well to see how many have chosen this tagline.

Having done that now and coming back I see only references to Depression and Giftedness.  A good sign.  I wasn’t sure about posting the “gifted” part, I still have issues with that description.  Although I think (ok I know) that I have a higher IQ than typical it is still something I have to accept and embrace.  Why I should have a challenge with it I don’t know, I should be proud.  I think part of it is that I have a distaste for those that toot their own horn, and I don’t want to be one of them.  Question – Why is that?

It seems like that is the way of the world though, and those that succeed or advance in life generally do that.  Pride and high self-esteem  Even self help books and management leadership books say that blowing your own horn is important.  That may be the case but it still doesn’t sit well with me.  It reminded me of a passage in “Tribal Leadership” where they talked about a group of business men chatting in an elevator, each one explaining his accomplishments and successive explanations topping the previous ones.  It went on to explain how that action was actually a sign that the group had advanced from one “Tribe” level or stage to another, as if the bravado itself was a sign of accomplishment and upward mobility.  Still hard for me to do.

On a more personal note I do exhibit many of the signs of being gifted, perfectionism, quick to learn, interest in a wide range of topics and others.  I may list some of them later.  My memory is not good at this time, although improving, and the frustration I feel as being misunderstood and the feeling I have that I can see the big picture when others can’t, those may be some of the symptoms that are exaggerated by the depression.  Even at that I don’t feel really depressed, I just know I am not feeling right.  Better, but not right.

I have a visit with my therapist/counselor tonight, perhaps I will ask her.

Text below is from a document “Solutions for the Problems of Giftedness”.

http://www.undoingdepression.com/GiftedAdultsResults.html

Read More Read More

Am I Sick? Visit with Gloria

Am I Sick? Visit with Gloria

You know I don’t feel sick but perhaps, and this is likely so, that is the nature of the illness. That is why people stop taking meds, they feel ok and believe they are now well and no longer require them.  The same applies to schizophrenia and other mental illnesses. I feel ok but must maintain the course.

I’m having my appt with G now, of course I had something to ask her which I’ve now forgotten.  I had a note in my paper journal but neglected to refresh my memory before coming.  Very aggravating.  I will have make note on my phone next time.

I think I mentioned that Ay may be pregnant, she had more tests this afternoon and it looks good.