Tag: blog

Blog Withdrawal

Blog Withdrawal

I’ve been going through withdrawal lately (always thought it was spelled “withdrawl” until spell check corrected me). I’m not talking the chemical kind of withdraw’a’l, I’m referring to the emotional and intellectual kind. The blog withdrawal kind. I need a fix.

I try to write but my words seem perfunctory. I blather on, spitting words on the screen like a wet-mouthed close-talker. See, here I go again. I feel like I’ve lost my edge. I want it back, if I ever really had it.

I began this blog to talk about my experiences with depression, hence the sub-title “Then, til Now”. While I suspect one never beats depression, nor is ‘cured’ of it, I do think we adapt and it becomes part of who we are. Anyway I digress.

I was out for a walk today and passed through a tunnel on the way. I took a photo and it’s posted as the feature image above. It made me think my life is sort of like that, in a dramatic sort of way. Part of my life was in a tunnel. Over time I came to the exit and saw a future ahead. The meds help that. They assisted in my exit from the tunnel and perhaps they help me still. I guess I won’t know until, or when, I stop taking them.

I will admit one of the reasons I began writing here was to help vent out some the the thoughts I had, to ‘spill my guts’ as it were. A journal was suggested by my then counselor Gloria but given my geekiness I thought an online blog may be appropriate too. I wrote a bit about that in a previous post Ennui, Now there’s a word.

One of my followers on this blog was a lady named Mary. She had created a number of blogs herself, and had lived an amazing life, one filled with blessing and much pain. I miss Mary. I never knew her in the sense one might be acquainted but we chatted via email a few times and she expressed some of the challenges she had experienced in her life. I won’t cover it here but needless to say she lost her husband, the love of her life, and 2 of her sons, both boys to suicide. I think of Mary and wonder what became of her. I’ve found a number of her blogs but few of them have anything current. She frequently used the name “oldsunbird’ in her blogs, My PoetryMy Journey Through Old AgeOldSunBird are a few I’ve found. I’d dearly like to know what’s become of Mary.

Well I think it’s time for me to go. I’ve rambled enough and responsibilities command. In reality it’s taken me 2 days to write this post and even now I’m not sure it’s completely satisfactory (to me). Mind you I don’t know that they ever have. That my be another symptom of my withdrawal.

Once again, my Profound Post lost….

Once again, my Profound Post lost….

I had a great (I thought) post created and ‘poof’ one wrong button pressed and away it went to nothingness. Here I’ll try to reproduce the perfection of it all, and ‘Save’ frequently.

Booze has nothing to do with me losing my creations. Sure I’ve indulged (and enjoyed it) and sometimes it’s how things gotta roll.

I’ve had some visitors to my site, most are ‘ghosts’, electronically created non-entities, designed to plug the system and create imitation followers. I’m too smart for that though.

Some are real people, some I’ll follow in return ‘cuz they’re interesting. They may be like minded or just ‘real’, whatever the reason they get my vote. I like followers, especially when they’re real.

Things are good here, my life is…..satisfactory. I still have my challenges and I’ll continue to work with them. After all, that’s what life is, taking the hand life dealt and playing it. Take care all.

 

Lookee here…

Lookee here…

Well, obviously I’m back in, if you’re sure it’s me that is. Now my dilemma, the question of the day is whether to continue using this site or move my (sporadic) posting to my own domain, skidaddy.ca. In the meantime I’ll just link to my recent post here.

http://skidaddy.ca/?p=1663

Fear of the Unknown

Fear of the Unknown

Just recently I attempted to update some info on this blog and found I was locked out of the account settings and security features. Not a good thing! I am obviously still able to post, but not sure for how long. Fear of the unknown.

The reason is largely of my own doing. In actual fact I guess it’s ALL my own doing, by neglecting to remember/follow clear admonitions by WordPress about generating and keeping ‘restore codes’ to access my account should this exact situation occur.

What created this problem was that I changed my phone and my phone number when we moved. When doing that I lost the ability to authenticate my ownership of this blog. This only applies if you have 2 factor authentication set up, and if you fail to prepare for this eventuality.

So, the long and short of it is that I’m in discussion with the WordPress “Happiness Engineers” to possibly resolve this situation and re-establish my authenticity. If I am unable to regain my full access and control of this site I will be forced to begin posting on skidaddy.ca. I have tried to move/copy my posts to skidaddy.ca but at this time only some of them have transferred. That new site is also a bit of a mess visually/organizationally at this time but hey, you do whats u gotsa do.

Wish me luck!

Here we go again

Here we go again

Originally posted on

I think “Here We Go Again” is a title of an old song, can’t be sure though and it really doesn’t matter. In this sense it only means here I go, putting up another very late post.

I see it’s not been since January of this year that I visited here to write. I’m surprised! My my, where does the time go?

I’ve been active and there are many things that have happened around me. Perhaps no more than to the average bear but they were, of course, significant to me. Mostly it’s just life stuff.

One thing of note was that since my last post I’ve gone back on the ‘juice’. Now before you get all confused or concerned you must realize the ‘juice’ in this context is an anti-depression medication, in this case Citalopram. Last year I was on Mirtazapine but in my wisdom I chose to get off the meds and see how things turned out. Not too well evidently.

After stopping the Mirts I did not become suicidal or anything close to that self destructive, it was more a case of low moods and and a frequent sadness I couldn’t seem to avoid. In fact, as I told my doctor, I would often get very teary and emotional during commercials on tv. I short I was very often low. This didn’t happen immediately but became more pronounced over time. In a nutshell I was not better, more help was needed, but I persevered.

In January we went to Okotoks to our niece’s. That’s where we had gone to visit during our annual get-away and where I last posted  Typically we go somewhere away from our city to just be away, to regroup and recharge. January is the month our son died so since then, Jan. of 2000, we either take a week in our time-share or perhaps we go to visit kin. In this case the kin won. It was a nice visit, a good escape. I had no overt depression or anxiety but my sadness lingered.

During that same month my Mother moved out of our basement suite where she had lived for a 7 or so years. She and my step-Father had moved in when they found the challenges of living alone, away from town, a challenge. My step-Father Larry unfortunately passed away a few years ago just after his 80th birthday but my Mom stayed with us. Now, through a series of outside circumstance, she felt moving to Langley was the best choice for her and her siblings so she took on the challenge of moving and went to the big city. I supported her move and still do. It is her call and I think I can appreciate her reasons.

Since her move we have spent time refurbishing the suite in hopes of attracting another good tenant. I won’t belabour the point but all went quite well and in the end we gained my (ex) brother-in-law Jake as a new ‘person under the stairs’. I could likely write volumes about the dynamics of him and his wife (and her family) but I won’t. I would like cause you some disbelief and wonderment about how these kinds of relationships could even take place. Maybe not though, I guess they are on reality tv all the time.

But I digress. After our foray away and my Mom’s move I just reached the point where I knew a change was needed. Don’t misunderstand, my situation was neither caused nor exacerbated by either our trip, the timing, nor my Mom’s leaving. They were only pointers in time, the inevitable return to medication was evident by that point.

After our return home a visit to my doctor supported my diagnosis, he determined I was depressed and had a higher degree of anxiety than ‘normal’. A regime of anti-depressants were again prescribed. In consult with the doctor we decided to try the Citalopram as I felt the Mirtazapine did not hold up it’s end of the bargain and let me down after some time. This became more evident as I re-read my paper journal and saw a decline in my moods over time. Another reason I had chosen to stop the Mirts. The Citalopram would also apparently help with any anxiety.

At any rate here we are. After being on the Cital since Jan. 28th I feel better once again. Not so much something you may be able to see but more an even-ess and stability of mood. I have more motivation and am getting some things done. I do hope it continues. My sleep has improved and although I dream crazy dreams now it is more restful. A drawback to the Citalopram is a tiredness during mid morning but I may change when I take my dose to dinnertime and the drowsiness may abate.

So in that sense I hope the tagline “Here we go again” is a positive one and I don’t find myself regressing over time. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

p

No News is Good News?

No News is Good News?

While it has been a while (again) since I’ve posted it seems like little has changed. My blogging life has waned a touch but my online life has not.

There is still a web presence to maintain on a couple sites and since my last post here I’ve acquired the duties of webmaster for a local photo club. This is something new for me but fits somewhat with other ‘net stuff. It does take my attention away from the blogs however. Add to this scanning photos and transcribing printed works to post on my personal site and my hours fill.

I have been writing though, a bit, and just took a one day writing course at the local college. It wasn’t quite what I expected but it’s a start eh? The point is to write, regardless, or so I believe. Just like Julia Cameron said in “The Right to Write”, you need to write every day. I fall down there unfortunately.

I am feeling a bit better lately and am not taking anything but vitamins, and booze of course. I jest about that, the booze, and maybe shouldn’t but it is just that, and it is also something I watch. I’m fully aware of the effect addictions can have on lives.

I do some exercise and am walking most days too, today as an example. My distance today will be over 3k but some days I’ll do closer to 7k. I stopped part way to pen this. I’ll enjoy a nice cup of ‘joe’, blog a bit, and move on.

My next stop will be the computer store. I seem to have developed some computer issues that are impacting my productivity in so many ways. It’s amazing how tied to that damn thing I am, hell any technology. Something to ponder.

The Update is ……, No Updates

The Update is ……, No Updates

No updates, Ha, that’s an understatement. I’ve not posted to any of my blogs, nor put up any photos for at least a couple weeks. I almost feel like I’m going through withdrawal. I have shared a bit on “MurielsKids” but even that has been spotty. I don’t know why, just lazy I guess.

It has been hot, damn hot, and that tucker’s me out but even a quick blurb would suffice. Just haven’t been on the computer much.

20130726-212845.jpg

I will endeavour to improve however. Cut me some slack eh. Like my buddy the Terminator said, “I’ll be back”.

Back in the Saddle

Back in the Saddle

I’m back in the saddle, or at least on the horse. The saddle may have to come later.

It was my intent to post something much sooner. I said at the outset of creating this blog that it was my goal to post daily, or close to it. It seems I lied. My post frequency has been closer to weekly, or certainly that’s what it seems anyway. ‘Things’ just get in the way. Poor reason/excuse I know. I haven’t even posted photos for the Weekly Photo Challenge lately (to be honest I’m not even sure what the topic is.

The summer has been proceeding at a pace unforeseen or unexpected to me. In many ways it’s just been a spring and summer that has taken on a schedule that I don’t like. I’ve done numerous trips, by car and within 1000 km (~600 mi.). Some have been for pleasure and a few have been to see or support loved ones in need. That being said, I appreciate that I shouldn’t lament the reasons, and I don’t, it’s the time away from my castle and my ‘stuff’ that I lament. That and my apparent inability to manage my time effectively when I am at home.

One thing you do get is to see a bunch of interesting stuff when you’re on the road. This gent was operating the espresso machine at a coffee shop on the road called “Deadwood Junction and Tarnished Turkey Cappuccino Bar”, one of my favourite haunts while en route to Kelowna or back home from a visit to my grandson.

Image

You can see it hasn’t been all bad. It’s just that since I retired last year I often feel overwhelmed and under capable to handle my various stresses, most or all self inflicted. Plain and simple I see my world as full of these opportunities and things I want do, and certainly there’s no shortage of things I should do. There’s always cutting the lawn, doing dishes or the laundry, shopping, cooking, washing or maintaining vehicles etc. etc.. Never mind the fun stuff like camping or seeing my grandson.

Woe is me, my life is sooo tough isn’t it. Just smack me upside the head.

Like camping was such a hardship. While I didn’t post much I did do some journaling, and what a view. The photo doesn’t do it justice, albeit this was with my phone.

Image

Early retirement has provided me with challenges I didn’t see coming. Many people have asked me since I retired “What do you do?”, or “How do you stay busy?”. I just laugh. Life is so full, how do I get to do everything I want to, that’s the question.

So if you have any time management tips, or ways you think may help me in my time of need please let me know. I’d love to hear. In the meantime I’ll mount up and ride into the sunset of my golden years……

Another Nomination – Dragon’s Loyalty Award

Another Nomination – Dragon’s Loyalty Award

Well blow me over, knock me down with a feather, I don’t know what other mis-quotes I can use but I’ve been nominated for another award, this time the (love the graphic):

Dragon’s Loyalty Award.

Image, Dragon's Loyalty Award
Dragon’s Loyalty Award

While I truly appreciate the attention of Jaie at Kukileaf I’m unable to fulfill the requirements of the nomination at this time and will have to decline. I am pleased with the attention and intent though and feel that I’m in honored company.

Thanks again.

I Have to Ask…

I Have to Ask…

Does anyone….sorry that’s kinda negative… how many people really follow a blog for any length of time? I ask because I am quite curious. The question could really be put to any type of social media.

I’ve been blogging for a relatively short period of time in the big picture, lets call it 2 years for arguments sake. Certainly many bloggers/writers have hung in longer, many almost as long as the medium has been available, and my question would also be put to them. Do you know many followers have hung in there for the duration, ie how many of the xxxx number of followers one might have are :

  1. current, still reading/following your blog
  2. real, living, followers, ie not dead links or bogus accounts that somehow slipped through the cracks,
  3. still a follower/subscriber, but never (or seldom) read the posts

When I look it up on my ‘Site Stats’ I have a little under 80 followers listed and yet when I review the list on an a person by person basis a number of them are either invalid sites or no longer show as a current WordPress account. Now I’m not really that hung up on readership numbers, it’s just nice (great) to have people interested in what you say. The only real way I can measure what I’m doing is by the followers or subscribers, or any ‘likes’ or comments. I do essentially write for my own needs but let’s face it peer acknowledgement is better, heck it’s awesome. We all like to have our ego’s stroked.

mappa_blog
mappa_blog (Photo credit: francescopozzi)

While on this topic of readership, the idea of which was sparked by my most recent interest in SEO, I came to think if we can’t trust the number of ‘followers’ how do we really know how well we are doing? Of course if I ask questions in the body of my posts and those are answered by some number of readers I will know immediately if I’m reaching anyone. That’s good blogging (according to most ‘good blogging’ practices), and I know I don’t do that well. Partially that’s due to the type of posts I usually generate (journal entries) and partially because when I do create questions they come off as forced, at least to me. I don’t want my stuff to be forced. So I guess I’m stuck, either ask questions, intelligent questions hopefully, take the number of followers at face value, or just not worry about it.

Hmmm, don’t think ‘not worry about it’ is an option. May be a good idea but it’s not my nature, I’m more the type that’ll perseverate over the smallest thing. Just who I am.

So I’ll dig into it a bit further, try to improve the site(s) to generate more notice, and then ponder the results. I might even throw in a few questions, just to mix it up.

If you do have the answer, or would be kind enough to comment anyway, I’d love to hear what you say. I just have to ask…..